Updated: Sep 17, 2021
Transcript of Review That Review with Chelsey Donn & Trey Gerrald Episode 1 "Fifty Shades of Grey / Central Park Zoo" for the differently abled and those who prefer to read.
Review That Review with Chelsey Donn and Trey Gerrald
THEME SONG: [00:00:00] Everybody's got an opinion.
Every Californian and Virginian.
It's so hard to tell who to trust and who to ignore,
Someone's gotta settle the score.
Trey and Chelsey will help you choose,
Who's views win, which ones lose.
Online haters, their comin' for you,
Baby, it's time to Review That Review!
TREY: [00:00:30] Hello!
CHELSEY: [00:00:31] Hi!
TREY: [00:00:32] Oh my goodness.
CHELSEY: [00:00:34] It's Episode one!
TREY: [00:00:36] Here we are. Welcome to Review That Review! The podcast dedicated to reviewing...
CHELSEY: [00:00:43] ...reviews! We're just like Siskel and Ebert only instead of reviewing cinematic masterpieces, we rate and review those hilarious, scathing, and sometimes suspicious online reviews.
TREY: [00:00:55] That's true. That's Chelsey Donn
CHELSEY: [00:00:58] And that's Trey [00:01:00] Gerrald.
TREY: [00:01:00] and together. We're
VOICEOVER: [00:01:02] The Review Queens!
TREY: [00:01:06] Here we are. Chelsey episode UNO.
CHELSEY: [00:01:09] Yay. I cannot believe it.
TREY: [00:01:11] And all the listeners are here. Thank you for being here and listening to episode one, we, um, are so excited to finally be premiering the podcast. I figured that for this first episode, we can just take a brief little moment up here at the top, to explain who we are and then we'll jump right in. So you're not just listening to a boring infomercial at the beginning when you don't know who we are.
CHELSEY: [00:01:33] I think that's a great idea. So who, who are we?
TREY: [00:01:36] well, I'm Trey Gerrald, and I am a actor writer, sometimes funny person, and now a newly appointed Review Queen. I'm from Columbia, South Carolina. I live in New York City and , I've been here for almost 11 years. Who are you?
CHELSEY: [00:01:54] I am Chelsey Donn. I'm also an actor writer, comedian. , I live in Los [00:02:00] Angeles. I've also been here almost 11 years, which is crazy. Grew up on the east coast, right outside Philadelphia. And just here to do the thing, you know
TREY: [00:02:10] Go pirates or Buccaneers or what's Philly?
CHELSEY: [00:02:13] Definitely not pirates or Buccaneers. Phillies? Is that what your ...
TREY: [00:02:16] I don't know. I don't
CHELSEY: [00:02:18] ...Phillies, Sixers, Eagles?
TREY: [00:02:19] Are any of those, right? I don't know. I don't follow sports. Oh, I'm thinking of Cinc-- wait
CHELSEY: [00:02:25] Pittsburgh?
TREY: [00:02:25] Pittsburgh is the pirates, right? I've been to a pirate's game. Oy, okay. Now people hate me. All right. So I was thinking we met, I think the year was 2017. Is that right? I should have gone back and looked.
CHELSEY: [00:02:38] As my memory serves. Yeah, it was the summer. I believe, of 2017
TREY: [00:02:44] I don't know. It was LA it's hard to tell.
CHELSEY: [00:02:46] I don't know. It was nice out.
TREY: [00:02:47] yeah, we met because I was spending a little time in Los Angeles and our mutual friend, Emily Kratter. Hey!
CHELSEY: [00:02:54] Hey, shout out.
TREY: [00:02:56] She was like, you have to meet my friend, Chelsey Donn, you're going to be [00:03:00] obsessed with her. And you know, that can go one of two ways...
... now here we are...gosh. Now it's 2021.
CHELSEY: [00:03:08] Yeah, It was the same thing on my end. Emily was like, you're going to love Trey. You guys are just going to be quick friends. And I was like, I trust Emily with probably my life. So I was like, if Emily signs off on this human, they're probably pretty great. And thank God you lived up to the hype.
TREY: [00:03:25] Oh, phew!
CHELSEY: [00:03:26] Yeah.
TREY: [00:03:27] Uh, so little quick notes here. So we have spent the last couple of months, really hashing things out, getting comfortable, and we have been recording mock episodes that will probably never see the light of day.
CHELSEY: [00:03:41] Maybe!
TREY: [00:03:41] And it's been maybe, maybe there'll be bonus content on our pateron.
CHELSEY: [00:03:45] Could be.
TREY: [00:03:46] And, uh, this has been like a really fun experience working with you.
And so I hope that all of the listeners equally enjoy diving into this outrageous world of online reviews.
oh, [00:04:00] wait, I do want to quickly ask, are you someone who partakes in online reviews? Are you a person that is in this world already?
CHELSEY: [00:04:08] I'm an avid reader of online reviews. I wouldn't say I'm as much of a writer, but I read all the time. I'm constantly dissecting reviews. I do this for friends when they get like, they're like, oh, I'm afraid to buy this product. And then I really will go through it and say like, is this a deal breaker? I've been that person for a long time. And I think I generally have a good sense. Of people. And when we're like, you know, just sort of kvetching because, or sorry, complaining because we feel like, we want to hear our own voice and when we're complaining, because you know, there's something that needs to be said.
And I think I have a pretty general respect for both of those sides. So I can say I'm passionate about reviews and I've written a few in my day. How about you?
TREY: [00:04:52] I think I have written one review in my life on delivery.com and after a horrible experience. [00:05:00] And then I got so paranoid that I actually like completely changed my entire username because I was like, so afraid of retribution. So I'm not a person that frequents Yelp or all of those situations, but I do, I do look through reviews on Amazon.
CHELSEY: [00:05:14] I'm going to find that review that you wrote.
TREY: [00:05:17] Oh, I wonder if it's still there. You know,
CHELSEY: [00:05:19] if there's retribution to be had
TREY: [00:05:22] Oy-yow-yow!, all right. Well, I'm glad that we, um, are here. I'm glad that the listeners are here and I feel like we are more connected now and we can jump right in. So here we are episode one of Review That Review.
CHELSEY: [00:05:36] I feel like before we hear other people complain, just to like even out the playing field, maybe we should like complain about things just so we, you know, allow the audience to know that, we too sometimes take issue with things.
TREY: [00:05:50] if I was making a podcast, I think I would come up with a really cute phrase for that. And it would maybe be the first segment called.
VOICEOVER: [00:05:58] Lodge A Complaint.
[00:06:00] CHELSEY: [00:06:00] Wow. I'm so glad you had that cued up.
TREY: [00:06:04] Mmm-Hmm!.
CHELSEY: [00:06:04] You have a complaint to lodge Trey?
TREY: [00:06:07] Yes. I absolutely have a complaint to lodge and I I'm going to be controversial.
CHELSEY: [00:06:13] Oh no. Okay.
TREY: [00:06:15] But, with a heart of bravery, and I'm going to go after this complaint that needs to be lodged against the NBC competition show The Voice.
CHELSEY: [00:06:25] Oh! Okay.
TREY: [00:06:25] Okay.
The Voice, can you, okay. Chelsey, can you name a single winner from The Voice?
CHELSEY: [00:06:33] Oh, no, I've watched some episodes. Probably not to be honest, but my parents are avid Voice Watchers, so they might be able to.
TREY: [00:06:42] Can you name a winner of American Idol.
CHELSEY: [00:06:45] Kelly Clarkson,
TREY: [00:06:46] Okay, there you go.
CHELSEY: [00:06:47] Ruben Studdard.
TREY: [00:06:48] Okay, this is what has occurred to me. I was never in that reality competition watching. Cause I went was in a boarding school. We didn't have cable, but , my husband is obsessed with American Idol and always has been. And so I've [00:07:00] seen it and I have seen the evolution of that program, where it was really sort of, The new Star Search and then it started to turn into about the judges and then you get like the likes of huge celebrities and then it's sort of more about them then whoever wins.
Okay. So then in that platform, we start to create a show called The Voice where it's literally about these judges turning their chairs around. Great idea. But we're on season. I don't know, 2,800 and I. , I don't know, a single person who wins it's the same as like The Bachelor. Like as soon as it ends, then they have one of the, of a different gender Bachelorette.
CHELSEY: [00:07:37] Right.
TREY: [00:07:37] So it's like, I feel like we need to put an end to these entertainment. Reality competition shows that aren't fostering. Like careers for people, but then is that like unfair to expect that this like competition show is gonna launch someone's career? Like don't you have to put, you know, I don't know the music industry is nothing.
I know [00:08:00] anything about it just really bugs me that this reality show there've been seemingly one winner every season and I couldn't name a single one.
CHELSEY: [00:08:09] They also like. I think have multiple seasons in a year. Like it's not just one. I think we're maybe like over-saturating the market. But I agree. Like, when I think about the voice, I think about like Blake and Adam bickering back and forth like that, I remember in great detail and I remember pleasant voices, but I think that's an interesting point.
TREY: [00:08:31] Yeah. I also have a really great friend who, was like up into the live show of The Voice and didn't continue. And it's one of the most transcendent vocalists I know. So it's just, you know, it is at the end of the day, which is a reality show phrase, these are like entertainment shows. I think that's why it is about the judges.
And so to me, it's sort of like obnoxious that it's this whole, ruse that it's about finding like, I don't even [00:09:00] know what is the title of The Voice you just win The Voice, okay. So, all right. So they're not trying to find America's next, superstar.
CHELSEY: [00:09:08] I'm sure they get some sort of a record deal and. Similar to idol, who knows?
TREY: [00:09:13] I don't know, but that's my complaint. I'm just, it bothers me. And I think there could be some reflection about why it bothers me, but, maybe because they're all verified on Twitter and I'm not, and that is my real complaint.
CHELSEY: [00:09:25] I think it's a worthy lodging of a complaint, Trey.
I am thinking about this and I'm thinking about how we should be doing more to showcase the artists on these shows. And I'm glad that you're the one that said something about it because somebody needs to hear it.
TREY: [00:09:43] Thank you for that beautiful spin. Chelsey, do you have any complaint you want to lodge?
CHELSEY: [00:09:49] I do. I want to make first of all, a general complaint against Murphy's Law and whoever Murphy is that he's such a pessimist that like anything that [00:10:00] can go wrong will go wrong. And at the most inopportune time. It's been like getting really hot in LA lately. And it's great. I love it.
Except this was the time that my air conditioner decided let's just not work anymore. And so I don't have a working air conditioner when things are really starting to heat up and I want to blame Murphy.
TREY: [00:10:24] What do you think Murphy's last name was?
CHELSEY: [00:10:26] I thought Murphy was the last name.
TREY: [00:10:30] Oh,
CHELSEY: [00:10:31] Newton, like Newton's law.
TREY: [00:10:34] Wow. Okay. So what do you think Murphy's First name was?
CHELSEY: [00:10:37] I think Murphy's fIrst name is probably something like very old and like, like a Sigmund, but not Sigmund. Cause that's taken by Freud. But I think like something that's like, oh wow. Like haven't heard that name in a long time would be my guess.
TREY: [00:10:54] Edwin.
CHELSEY: [00:10:54] Edwin! Yeah. Edwin with like a middle name, you know, Murphy the fifth,
TREY: [00:10:59] Oh [00:11:00] yeah. There's definitely a lineage.
CHELSEY: [00:11:02] but why, why such a pessimist? Why can't it be like everything that can go right. Will go right.
TREY: [00:11:09] You know, I feel like that's very Buddhist of you.
CHELSEY: [00:11:12] Thank you. I mean,
TREY: [00:11:14] "Ommmmmm."
CHELSEY: [00:11:16] Anyway, lodging a complaint against Murphy and like the bad, I dunno, ju-ju that he puts out and how it affects me personally, like with my air condition, not working during the time when things are heating up.
TREY: [00:11:30] It's a good complaint. I'm going to be really thinking about Edwin Murphy for awhile now.
CHELSEY: [00:11:36] as you should. But flip that shit around. All right. I feel like I've heard enough about us and our complaints. Maybe we should hear some other people's complaints. What do you think?
TREY: [00:11:47] I love that let's do it.
CHELSEY: [00:11:48] Okay. As your trusty Review Queens, Trey, and I will each bring in a new review from the internet that we feel needs to be inspected.
TREY: [00:11:58] We will read the [00:12:00] review
CHELSEY: [00:12:00] we will break it down.
TREY: [00:12:01] and then we rate the impact of the review on a scale from one to five crowns, because we are the Review Queens.
CHELSEY: [00:12:09] it's true. It's a very Regal process that we've created with leading scientists and researchers in the field that we call...
VOICEOVER: [00:12:18] Assess That Kvetch!
TREY: [00:12:20] But Chelsey, my dear, for those of us who don't speak Yiddish, what does that word mean?
CHELSEY: [00:12:25] Kvetch, it means complaint like, "Ugh, you're kvetching, stop kvetching," you know, like that.
TREY: [00:12:31] Oh, like what we were just doing.
CHELSEY: [00:12:32] Correct.
TREY: [00:12:33] Oh, great. Okay. Awesome.
CHELSEY: [00:12:35] Alright. Well, which one of us is going first today? I don't...
TREY: [00:12:38] Me!
CHELSEY: [00:12:38] ...know.
TREY: [00:12:38] I'm first.
CHELSEY: [00:12:39] Oh, you're first. Okay. Well, take it away. Review Queen. Let's hear it.
TREY: [00:12:44] Alright. Okay. So here we go. This, I found this review a while ago and I've been sitting on it it's a little bit long, but I think it's going to be worth the journey. So here we go. The very first review on Review That Review.
VOICEOVER: [00:12:59] Review That Review.
TREY: [00:13:05] all right. So today this review I have found from the website Good Reads, which is, reviewing books there's a very active community on Good Reads. I don't know if you are aware of it. this review was written by. Shaniece. She has a very cute photograph. this is a one star for the book, 50 Shades of Grey.
CHELSEY: [00:13:29] Okay.
TREY: [00:13:31] "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. No, you're serious? This is a New York Times number one best seller? Why? Why are people still claiming how quote unquote good it is. How much they quote unquote loved it. Have you never read a decent piece of literature in your life? Not to say this is literature, but come on. [00:14:00] Okay. I'm abusing italics. I was excited to read this book because I like a little romance and erotica every now and then, but I didn't expect this. This wasn't erotic nor was it romantic.
When Ana first meets Christian, it's more than obvious that this is a fanfic of Twilight. Ana's clumsy, continuously bites her lip, doesn't understand why a guy, any guy, would be attracted to her and ridiculously naive parentheses, Bella looks like fucking Wonder Woman compared to Ana. There was a moment in the book where I put it down and laughed.
A good hearty laugh. I'm not exactly sure where it was. The whole thing is purely comedic. I wasn't going to continue reading it, but I kind of wanted to know how it ended. So I basically skimmed through, I mainly read their emails, though idiotic, were still cute. The actual writing in this book was poor at best, [00:15:00] the repeating of sentences, phrases, thoughts over and over and over again.
I believe she mentioned her subconscious about 80 times parentheses. This is not an exaggeration, but fact, and I wanted nothing more than for her quote unquote, subconscious to shut the hell up. And her inner goddess parentheses mentioned about 60 times question mark. Ha! Haha. What a slut. BDSM. I'm not one who is a fan of this.
I don't want to be quote unquote controlled and I don't want to quote unquote control someone. So that whole aspect was bad enough in and of itself. And the fact that she was actually scared that if she did something wrong, he'd hurt her wasn't a red flag to her? There's a difference between love and obsession.
For anyone who wants to read a romance or even erotica, you can buy a $3 or $4 book from Blaze or Harlequin on a Walmart shelf.
[00:16:00] Why the fuck would you want to pay anything more than a penny for this book? Seriously. All caps: why do people like this? Christian was no where neeeeeeeaaaaar sexy to me, no matter who I tried to picture playing him, it was completely pathetic. And now they're making a movie that's completely unfair and how will they even do it?
I say Jack Black plays Christian and Busy Phillips plays Ana. Heh. Now that would be interesting, please, italics: please, bold: please, please stop buying this book and reading it. Just stop! Read books that deserve this attention.
CHELSEY: [00:16:50] Oh, wow.
TREY: [00:16:52] All right. That was a little lengthy. I know it was a little lengthy.
CHELSEY: [00:16:54] Shaniece came to play and she had a lot to say,
TREY: [00:16:59] But [00:17:00] like that is the review on a website. Like she, like, that's an essay like that. If I was a third grade teacher, minus the F words, that's an essay.
CHELSEY: [00:17:10] Oh! For sure. I mean, I think that it's like could even be collegiate level. I mean, she,
TREY: [00:17:18] They could turn that into a pilot.
CHELSEY: [00:17:19] We could, I mean, she, like, I just heard you reciting that. And I just want to point out that not only did she use italics and bold and things like that, but she like commented on it. She's like I overuse the italics.
I'm aware. It was a choice.
TREY: [00:17:37] It literally was like very small on the website and it's kind of long. So I had to like copy paste it and put it into a word document so that I could see it better.
And I like erased all of the font formatting. And then I had to go back and undo that because so much of what she's writing. Is in the way in which she chose to put it on the page.
Maybe Shenice is like an English teacher.
CHELSEY: [00:17:59] Yeah. I mean, [00:18:00] like say what you will about Shenice and we'll get into her personal bias, but like she really wrote quite a lengthy review. There is no mistaking her opinion about this book where I sort of lose Shaniece is her dogmatic approach. the fact that she's, you know, really speaking for all of us when really she should just be speaking for herself.
Like personally, I think of Shenice. Was talking more about her personal preference and less about the absolutes. Like this doesn't have a right to be made into a movie. This doesn't have a right to take place anywhere within literature. Not to mention within this genre. I feel like Shenice, could have been a Review Queen, but the bias really pushed me outside of that category for Shenice.
TREY: [00:18:55] that's actually a really great point. I didn't read this book. It D it was a cultural phenomenon [00:19:00] and it's about BDSM. So it's just interesting to bring up, like, why is this about BDS? Like, if you aren't interested then, like,
CHELSEY: [00:19:09] different book,
TREY: [00:19:10] Yeah. Like, or just like, you
CHELSEY: [00:19:12] go to Walmart.
TREY: [00:19:13] there's no point in putting that into the review.
Like if you're reading it, because it's, everyone's talking about it, that aside, I actually find this to be a very valuable review because I feel like Shaniece. Is a wordsmith. And so there's a lot of, attention to detail and it is like a full arc, , this, this review. And so I imagine that they have a high level of taste when it comes to other people's writing.
I kind of feel like, yes, I agree. She's speaking in absolutes rather than personal opinions. but that little shift aside, I, feel warned maybe like spend your time somewhere else, unless , you want to just stop and have a hearty laugh.
CHELSEY: [00:19:55] Okay. Like, we got to talk about the laughing because the laughing [00:20:00] really did have me rolling. Like she started this entire review. How many, like hahahahahaha's were there? Like,
TREY: [00:20:07] Girl, I knew you were going to ask me that. It's um, I can't even count.
CHELSEY: [00:20:11] oh my God, that's a long ha ha ha.
TREY: [00:20:15] it's probably 16.
CHELSEY: [00:20:17] I feel like Shaniece is the type of person that just laughs all the time, say what you will about Shenice and her opinions. But when you're around, Shenice you're going to be laughing too, because she just brought so much laughter this review and you know, maybe some people would say that's passive aggressive, but for me, and maybe it's just , you were embodying Shenice for me.
I sort of found it endearing. Like I. Let's see, like I'm going to stand by. I think Shenice took this one step too far in speaking for everybody. But I think Shenice is the kind of person where like, if we were all hanging out and she was just like saying her crazy absolute comments [00:21:00] and laughing then everyone would be like, "oh my God, Shenice, that's such a Shenice thing to say."
And we would be laughing too. So I do feel like I got some, some character from the repeated laughter.
TREY: [00:21:13] Yeah. I, I find that this, um, point of view, especially on good reads, there's tons and tons, and people include gifs, "gifs", and they include pictures and it's like, this became a thing, I guess. and I picked Shenice because I felt like it wasn't just trying to like go viral, but it was like their opinions.
So I do, kind of think this was a common experience. I mean, I think everyone knew that it was like based on fan fiction for another source material, Twilight, and that it was like, not necessarily, great literature. Right. I think this is probably a common experience, right?
CHELSEY: [00:21:47] I do, but I wonder like, if this would be a deal breaker, like if I was somebody that was into Twilight wanting this fan fiction experience. Would anything in this review keep me from [00:22:00] buying the book? I don't think so. Especially if I was like onboard for a BDSM moment, you know, she doesn't like that.
She's not into that but what do they say? You don't go to, you don't get milk at the hardware store. I mean, like, you know what you're getting when you're going in for 50 Shades of Grey,
TREY: [00:22:18] Agreed.
CHELSEY: [00:22:19] There's no gray area in what you are receiving with this book.
TREY: [00:22:25] Zero gray in 50 Shades of Grey.
CHELSEY: [00:22:26] Zero gray!
TREY: [00:22:27] I mean, I think we've been talking about this the whole time, but I, this is like thoroughly entertaining. I think it's a very entertaining
CHELSEY: [00:22:33] Definitely points for entertainment from me,
TREY: [00:22:35] And then, like you were saying the impact, the deal breaker, I don't know. I mean, I don't feel persuaded either way.
CHELSEY: [00:22:42] Right.
TREY: [00:22:43] So that is interesting. Cause I really liked this review. I enjoy it, but I, don't really know that there's any impact, honestly, other than like laughing and counting the Ha's.
CHELSEY: [00:22:52] I agree, I don't think I'm necessarily gonna take her, advice, run the other way,
TREY: [00:22:59] Right.
[00:23:00] CHELSEY: [00:23:00] but I think what she wants us to do. All right. I feel like we have enough information.
TREY: [00:23:04] Yeah, I think we do too, are you ready crown it?
CHELSEY: [00:23:06] Yeah, I'm ready. Let's crown it.
TREY: [00:23:08] All right. So Chelsey and I each have our own set of one to five crown cards and in an effort to be fair and not influenced by one another, we will simultaneously reveal our ratings.
VOICEOVER: [00:23:20] The Queens are Tabulating!
TREY: [00:23:24] You ready to show
CHELSEY: [00:23:25] Yeah. I mean, can I say it was like really tempted to break a crown in half for this?
TREY: [00:23:31] Oh, we should discuss that. Should we be able to do that? Should we have a half crown card
CHELSEY: [00:23:35] I mean maybe.
TREY: [00:23:37] Maybe in the future.
Listeners, if you have an opinion about that share.
VOICEOVER: [00:23:40] Total Score!
CHELSEY: [00:23:46] Unanimous!
TREY: [00:23:48] A Tie, we both have three crowns. Chelsey, you want to, um, explain why you voted for three.
CHELSEY: [00:23:54] Yes, I voted for three, cause I gave Shaniece high points on [00:24:00] personality, entertainment, and conviction, where she lost me was her impact or influence her ability to, Sway people in one way or another, and also the bias, her personal bias, based on her taste. So that was why I took away two points, but I kind of want to like, go get a drink with Shenice, which was why I was tempted to give her an extra half crown.
How about you?
TREY: [00:24:25] Okay. Wait, like, Actual like verbatim ditto, because I feel like I want to be friends with Shenice.
CHELSEY: [00:24:31] Yeah.
TREY: [00:24:32] um, but Yeah.
I mean, I would need to read a couple of more reviews to sort of get a deeper feel. I found this to be incredibly entertaining, um, which is why I was between three and four, because I. It was a pleasant read and I appreciate her attention to bold and italics and line spacing, capitals parentheticals but ultimately, you know, uh, it's sort of middle of the road. Maybe I would break a crown too, if we were doing that, but, um, that's why I went with three crowns. [00:25:00]
CHELSEY: [00:25:00] wow. That was such a good first entry, Trey, way to really have the first review of Review That Review deliver on so many levels. I'm impressed. But I think we do need like a little bit of a pallet cleanse before we just dive into the second review.
What do you think.
TREY: [00:25:17] I love that idea. So let's do a quick little break. And then when we come back, we are going to introduce you all to our fun game with Meryl Streep.
CHELSEY: [00:25:26] Love it BRB.
VOICEOVER: [00:25:28] Hold your crown, we'll be right back.
TREY: [00:25:41] Hey, Review Queens, it's Chelsey and Trey here. We're doing this really exciting thing for the launch of our new podcast, where we are having a raffle. If you write a review for this podcast.
CHELSEY: [00:25:54] Yeah, it's super exciting. And the best part is you could win a very [00:26:00] glamorous Review That Review fashion, honey enamel pin.
TREY: [00:26:04] It's perfect for a hot date, you know, and you're totally rad pimped out denim vest.
CHELSEY: [00:26:10] pop the bling on!
TREY: [00:26:11] But wait, there's more. We are also throwing into the prize package of very deluxe Review That Rreview ballpoint pen, honey.
CHELSEY: [00:26:21] Oh my god, stop it. It's perfect for writing those first drafts of your five star reviews.
TREY: [00:26:27] all right, so here's how you enter. Leave us a five star review on apple podcasts, take a quick screenshot, email us the proof at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CHELSEY: [00:26:38] And we made it super easy with a super cute link lovethepodcast.com/thereviewqueens.
TREY: [00:26:46] There's also a one-click link in the show description below. It's easy, peasy, beautiful, Review Queens.
CHELSEY: [00:26:51] Yes, I can't wait personally to experience how easy it is.
TREY: [00:26:55] Two birds, one stone. This will also enter you, listener, into the [00:27:00] mix for possibly being selected for our segment called Royal Reviews.
VOICEOVER: [00:27:06] Royal Reviews!
TREY: [00:27:07] Where we read listener reviews of our show.
CHELSEY: [00:27:10] Yes. Happy reviewing.
TREY: [00:27:12] Now back to the show,
Chelsey it's game time. It's time for you and I to take a quick spin on the Meryl-Go-Round.
VOICEOVER: [00:27:32] "I don't feel like an icon. Most days I feel like, 'I can't....that's with an A!"
CHELSEY: [00:27:42] Meryl. Love you. All right. Here's the deal. Trey and I are each going to pick a rotten, scathing, pithy one-star zinger. And with 30 seconds on the clock, not a second more. We'll take turns, trying to recite the zinger in as many genres as possible
[00:28:00] TREY: [00:28:00] Just like queen Meryl, who does it all.
CHELSEY: [00:28:02] before the clock runs out.
TREY: [00:28:04] All right, Chelsey, you go first for this one.
CHELSEY: [00:28:06] Oh my God, Okay. This one star zinger is from Rate My Professor and it is from a UCLA professor who I will not reveal by name for her own her own protection. That's fine. it is by Archeolog. And the review states, I would rather pass a gallstone during a Yanni concert.
TREY: [00:28:33] Alright. That's all right.
CHELSEY: [00:28:35] So,that's what I got to work with. It's a little long, but I got it.
TREY: [00:28:39] I think you're going to do great
CHELSEY: [00:28:41] okay.
VOICEOVER: [00:28:41] 3 2 1,
CHELSEY: [00:28:45] I would rather pass a
TREY: [00:28:53] Disaster!
CHELSEY: [00:28:53] I would rather pass a gallstone during a Yanni concert.
TREY: [00:28:55] Televangelist.
CHELSEY: [00:28:57] I would rather pass a gallstone [00:29:00] during a Yanni concert.
I would rather pass a gallstone a Yanni concert.
TREY: [00:29:07] Mime!
VOICEOVER: [00:29:16] That's all.
TREY: [00:29:19] Chelsey!
CHELSEY: [00:29:20] I am like exhausted. How many was that?
TREY: [00:29:23] six.
CHELSEY: [00:29:25] Wow.
TREY: [00:29:26] Wow. Uh,
CHELSEY: [00:29:28] I can't even believe it. I hope Meryl would be proud.
TREY: [00:29:32] I, oh, of course. I hate going second. Cause you're really good at this game, but
CHELSEY: [00:29:38] No, Trey. You're good.
TREY: [00:29:40] Who cares? Okay. My one-star zinger is, um, also from Rate My Professors randomly.
CHELSEY: [00:29:47] Oh.
TREY: [00:29:48] Okay. So this is actually from Brown University for a history professor, for context, this has four thumbs up and 13 thumbs down and their review is, " He didn't laugh when I [00:30:00] said that his mom was the capital of Djibouti, no humor at Brown, I guess.
CHELSEY: [00:30:07] Alright. Are you ready?
TREY: [00:30:09] I am ready?
CHELSEY: [00:30:14] Mine would to start
TREY: [00:30:20] He didn't laugh. When I said that his mom was the Capitol
CHELSEY: [00:30:25] musical theater.
TREY: [00:30:35] when I said to his mom, I was like,
CHELSEY: [00:30:39] Disney.
TREY: [00:30:40] Oh,
he didn't have, when I said that his mom was capital of Japan,
CHELSEY: [00:30:44] Oh,
VOICEOVER: [00:30:46] That's all.
TREY: [00:30:47] that was like four something. How many did I
CHELSEY: [00:30:49] no, it wasn't. It was 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
TREY: [00:30:53] All right. Well, that's good.
CHELSEY: [00:30:54] Good job.
TREY: [00:30:55] I'm really proud of you. You, you really are good at this. And so you deserve [00:31:00] this round of applause. .
CHELSEY: [00:31:03] Wow, thank you. I'm honored. I never really won anything growing up, so I will take the win for today and in honor of my new year's resolution to accept compliments as they come. I will say, thank you, Trey, and better luck next time.
TREY: [00:31:21] I'm really glad that you're implementing your new year's resolution in July, June.
CHELSEY: [00:31:25] Listen, it's never, she late where we're almost at the halfway mark and my birthday is coming up soon. So that's sort of like, you know, a year.
TREY: [00:31:33] oh my gosh. Yeah, that was uh, the Meryl-Go-Round.
CHELSEY: [00:31:36] Yes.
VOICEOVER: [00:31:38] Review That Review.
TREY: [00:31:41] All right. So we're back from our game break. And now it is Chelsey's turn! Chelsey Donn, where is your review from this week?
CHELSEY: [00:31:48] Okay. Um, my review is from Yelp. It is written by David S uh, it is David S's one-star review of the Central [00:32:00] Park Zoo. Just for a little bit of context David S. has written 38 other reviews and included nine photos. He did include two photos in his review of the Central Park Zoo. so without further ado, David S.
This is a zoo? Good luck seeing any animals. Unless you consider thousands of other tourists, crammed elbow to elbow in this tiny space as animals, which you would be justified in doing in part, because many do not wear deodorant. Is there no capacity limit? We saw part of a bear's leg, I think, maybe an arm? We saw some beautiful, but dirty swans eating from a grain dish, but they were pretty quickly chased away by [00:33:00] giant rats who ate the swan food. That was barely entertaining as here's what would happen if you took a beautiful Swan out of its natural environment and stuck it in the middle of Manhattan.
It would get covered in a layer of New York scum and some rats would eat its lunch. I suppose this place is a zoo in the pejorative sense. Wait, is that what it's supposed to be? Is this some kind of a sarcastic art installation?
TREY: [00:33:37] Wow that, that really took a turn there for me at the end.
CHELSEY: [00:33:41] David S has thoughts.
TREY: [00:33:43] Okay. Well, first of all, great pick. Um,
I just have a question.
CHELSEY: [00:33:47] Yeah.
TREY: [00:33:48] Why would you choose the Central Park Zoo when you could go to the Bronx Zoo?
CHELSEY: [00:33:52] I'm with you.
TREY: [00:33:53] I mean, I've been to both zoos and. Okay, here we go. David S. I don't think is very far off. [00:34:00] When I went to the Central Park Zoo, I actually don't know. if I did see animals. Like, I've never actually thought about that, but a lot of the, like things were closed, but honey hearing This thing about is there no capacity hits in a whole new way in 2021,
CHELSEY: [00:34:14] I know. This was written, like it says over two years ago.
TREY: [00:34:18] Okay. I don't know something. This is like, this is just occurring to me as I'm sharing it, but something about this, like, um, aren't I witty turn of the review kind of turns me off for some reason. I don't know.
CHELSEY: [00:34:33] Yeah, there are a lot of things that were a turn off about this. Let's just be clear that David S obviously has impeccable grammar. Um, he, he used elipses properly and he also used words like pejorative. So I think maybe David S is like an S.A.T. tutor on the side. Maybe S.A.T. 2. in writing. So he definitely [00:35:00] has a way with the pen, but that being said, there was a sense of pretentiousness oozing off the page with David S.
TREY: [00:35:09] There was a sense. I think I I'm nodding in agreement. Yeah. Do you think that there's like value in this review?
CHELSEY: [00:35:15] I think maybe in the sense of, like you said, it's not the best zoo, go to the Bronx Zoo. If you're going to be in the area, if you want a real zoo experience, this is like a zoo-lite. It's in the middle of Central Park, which has so many things to offer. So it's just like, oh, you're here, pass through sort of thing.
It's not. It's not like a full blown zoo. So in that sense, I don't think he's misleading the reader. I think it's right to keep expectations low. If you're going to go to the Central Park Zoo,
TREY: [00:35:48] Yes, but you do, have to pay that admission fee. So it is a zoo.
CHELSEY: [00:35:51] I want say go, I mean, I think it goes to some sort of restoration of the park, or maybe I'm making that up, but I think it does.
[00:36:00] TREY: [00:35:59] that's yeah, you're probably right about that. David S, has a point to be a little upset about paying to go to a zoo and like maybe seeing half of a bear's leg and like rats eating.
CHELSEY: [00:36:10] But also it's like pizza rat, you know what I mean? Like rats are part of the experience,
TREY: [00:36:16] They're just there. Yeah.
CHELSEY: [00:36:17] They're just there. If you're going to be in the City, you're going to see rats.
TREY: [00:36:22] I think like this is probably somewhat typical. I hope we don't get hate mail from the Central Park Zoo What's the entertainment value here? I don't know.
CHELSEY: [00:36:31] I dunno, I feel like David was giving me a little bit of Karen vibes with his, judgemental ness. I think I was somewhat entertained. I wasn't knocked off my socks. He wasn't giving me laughter or anything like that. You know, like Shenice.
TREY: [00:36:47] I think that's what turned me off about the, um, the turn at the end about like, oh, is this like a philosophical zoo? Like, it just felt a little like. Heavy handed. I don't know, like he, David, I thought they were being really [00:37:00] clever, but I don't know.
CHELSEY: [00:37:01] mean, and also is this some kind of sarcastic art installation? I like unnecessary.
TREY: [00:37:10] Althought, that would be a really interesting, like, performance art, like grad thesis, install a zoo and, uh, let the actual patrons be the animals.
CHELSEY: [00:37:19] That's it. Yeah,
TREY: [00:37:20] But if we'd never had the Central Park Zoo, we would never have the animated series Madagascar.
CHELSEY: [00:37:24] that's a good point.
TREY: [00:37:26] What do you think the impact of this review is? If you were David S's grandmother, would you hang this on the fridge?
CHELSEY: [00:37:31] No, I wouldn't. I would be like chill. You know what I mean? Don't go. Don't don't go David S. Don't go to the Central Park Zoo also, like not judging cause my mom loves the zoo, but I also think that the zoo experience at Central Park, it's a thing you do with kids. Like I brought like my niece and nephew and they liked it.
Their expectations were very low. We were just at Central Park. Let's do this thing. And David S I don't know that he's the [00:38:00] right audience for this Central Park Zoo.
TREY: [00:38:04] That's fair, but I do think there is value here because it's sort of like, okay, so that's going to be like a high-quality zoo or is that sort of like a zoo in the middle of this park with those little like bunny sculptures that you can stick your face through and take pictures?
CHELSEY: [00:38:16] Love a good bunny sculpture. I can stick my face in.
TREY: [00:38:18] I feel like I'm ready. Like I can crown this. Right?
CHELSEY: [00:38:22] I think I'm ready. Let's crown it.
VOICEOVER: [00:38:26] The Queens are Tabulating!
TREY: [00:38:28] You ready?
CHELSEY: [00:38:29] Ugh. I guess I'm ready. Okay. Let's do it.
VOICEOVER: [00:38:36] Total score!.
TREY: [00:38:38] A Tie again!
CHELSEY: [00:38:38] We're the same!
Two crowns. We both gave two crowns. This was another example, which I kind of wish I could have break your crown in half. I gave two
TREY: [00:38:48] One and a 1.5.
CHELSEY: [00:38:50] I would have gone maybe 2.5, because I think that in terms of literacy. And being able to understand what was written that was clear. [00:39:00] Sometimes you read reviews.
They're just like, they're the, spelling's all over the place. The grammar is all over the place. I don't understand what you're saying. I feel like it is probably a fair assessment. There's lots of tourists. I'm sure. You know, people walking around the city all day walking around the park. I'm sure they do smell.
I'm sure I can expect to probably only see a leg or an arm. Um, the top of a head of an animal in that environment. So I did feel like he was being truthful in his experience, I took a few crowns away from him because I felt like he was a little bit swarmy, a little bit into himself and I wanted to knock 'em down a few pegs.
So that was why I ultimately came to two crowns. How about you?
TREY: [00:39:41] Yeah, I gave it two crowns because I felt like, you know, generally I think there's Value in the fact that like someone wasn't impressed with the zoo and that, that may be a common experience saying that it's very crowded. Like it's probably accurate saying that they're never going to be wearing deodorant. All the hordes of people is [00:40:00] sort of like, is that for real?
And I wasn't very entertained. And, um, so for that reason, I just, I gave it two. Two crowns.
CHELSEY: [00:40:08] I think that's valid.
TREY: [00:40:10] Yeah.
CHELSEY: [00:40:11] Wow, we did it.
TREY: [00:40:13] Yay! As we reach the end of today's episode. Chelsey, have you got any personal reviews for someone in your life that you think is deserving of a five star review? Who are you inducting for?
VOICEOVER: [00:40:28] My Royal Highness!
CHELSEY: [00:40:30] wow. Yes, there's so many people always. Right. but I'm gonna go a little bit unusual with my inductee and I'm going to induct whoever created this app called "I Am" on the iPhone. It's an affirmations app and it's just really nice. It's a great part of my day. Whenever I'm feeling down, I just get a little alert on my phone.
Like I am worth it. I am. Able to [00:41:00] accomplish what I want to, and I have a problem with affirmations. Like I always want to do them, but I feel like it's too much homework. Like, oh, I have to come up with the affirmations. And then I have to remember to say them. And so if you're someone who is interested in doing affirmations, but not quite sure where to start, I say, download this, this is not an ad, but download this app.
"I Am" because they do all the heavy lifting for you and you get all the dopamine and benefits of the affirmations. So thank you to the inventor. I should figure out who it is of the, "I Am" app. I'm always grateful when there's somebody that uses this platform for good. And thank you. I Am.
TREY: [00:41:48] I love that. Okay. So we all have to download the "I Am" app,
CHELSEY: [00:41:51] Yes, not an ad though.
TREY: [00:41:52] Not an ad!
CHELSEY: [00:41:53] I'm not getting paid for this.
TREY: [00:41:54] We're not sponsored. okay. So my Royal Highness, I went shopping, uh, cause there was [00:42:00] a Home Goods and there was this really sweet, older lady. Her name was Carol. And if I had to guess her age, she was pro like, to be honest, she was probably in her like late seventies.
She was tasked with wiping down all of the shopping carts when you walk in. So she was like the greeter and she was really lovely and sweet. And I came in and she asked me how I was doing. And she called me sugar and she gave me the, her cleanly wiped down cart. And then on my way out, I, um, had too much stuff.
So I had to get a larger cart. And so I went up to Carol and she said, "oh, you underestimated!" so then I had to get the other cart and put everything in the car, you know, it was whatever. And, um, so I was like, can I take this out, like to the parking structure? And she was like, you can do whatever you want, sweetie.
anyway, my whole point here is in this time of sort of, recognizing that interaction is so important. Carol really made my day. And I ended up [00:43:00] overspending at Home Goods and I bet Carol is responsible. So she should get, you know, a stock in the company Carol, whoever you are, you had an impact on me.
And so for that, you are my Royal Highness inductee for this week.
CHELSEY: [00:43:16] Congratulations, Carol. It seems like well deserved and I hope you do get some stock in Home Goods.
TREY: [00:43:23] She better. She was really working hard. All right.
CHELSEY: [00:43:26] Okay. We did it.
TREY: [00:43:28] We did it, Queen that's episode one in the books.
CHELSEY: [00:43:30] Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much for joining us today. If you like what you heard, tell a friend.
TREY: [00:43:37] If you didn't like what you heard tell an enemy, if you want to Lodge your own Complaint, Submit your own Review, or share with the world who you would induct for My Royal Highness. Leave us a voicemail. We have a voicemail box at 850-REVIEW-zero.
CHELSEY: [00:43:53] Yes. And you can also follow us on all the socials @TheReviewQueens and I'm [00:44:00] @ChelseyBD.
TREY: [00:44:00] And I'm @TreyGerrald. That's two R's. You can also watch live clips from our recording sessions on YouTube.
CHELSEY: [00:44:07] And remember, ignore the haters. You're a queen!
TREY: [00:44:10] Gender non-specific Queen.
CHELSEY: [00:44:12] Bye!
TREY: [00:44:13] Bye!
VOICEOVER: [00:44:16] Review That Review is an independent podcast. Certain names have been redacted or changed to protect the guilty. Executive produced by Trey Gerrald and Chelsey Donn with editing and sound design by me with voiceover talents by Eva Kaminsky. Our cover art was designed by LogoVora and our theme song was written by Joe Kinonsian and sung by Natalie Weiss.