top of page

TRANSCRIPT of Episode 16: "IKEA - 1 & 5 Star Reviews"

Updated: Sep 22, 2021

Transcript of Review That Review with Chelsey Donn & Trey Gerrald Episode 16 "IKEA - 1 & 5 Star Reviews" for the differently abled and those who prefer to read.

Review That Review with Chelsey Donn and Trey Gerrald

Episode 16

THEME SONG: [00:00:00] Everybody's got an opinion.

Every Californian and Virginian.

It's so hard to tell who to trust and who to ignore.

Someone's gotta settle the score.

Trey and Chelsey will help you choose!

Whose views win, which ones lose.

Online haters are comin' for you!

Baby, it's time to Review That Review!

[00:00:30] CHELSEY: Hi.

[00:00:32] TREY: Oh. Hello!

[00:00:33] CHELSEY: Oh my God. Who are we today?

[00:00:36] TREY: No it's just me. It's Trey or RQ T I just felt like making a funny voice. Hi everyone. Welcome to Review That Review! The podcast dedicated to reviewing...

[00:00:46] CHELSEY: Reviews! We're just like Siskel and Ebert only instead of reviewing cinematic, masterpieces, we rate and review those hilarious, scathinging and sometimes suspicious online reviews.

[00:00:58] TREY: That's Chelsey Donn.

[00:00:59] CHELSEY: And that's Trey Gerrald.

[00:01:01] TREY: And together we are

[00:01:03] VOICEOVER: The Review Queens.

[00:01:07] TREY: Hey Hey Chels, let me just...

[00:01:08] CHELSEY: Hi!

[00:01:09] TREY: ...get a quick drink from my...

[00:01:11] CHELSEY: Beautiful!

[00:01:12] TREY: I got in the mail today a present, and it was from Chelsey! It's some merch for this very podcast.

[00:01:18] CHELSEY: And it's really, I mean, contrary to the lack of what you can see...

[00:01:21] TREY:'s so sad that you can't see...

[00:01:23] CHELSEY: Review That Review water bottles sponsored by my need to drink water.

[00:01:28] TREY: Um, how's your week been my friends?

[00:01:31] CHELSEY: My week has been good. My week is good. Um, we had a full noon, so things...

[00:01:37] TREY: Okay. Diana G... very Hexie! Old World Witchery of you!

[00:01:41] CHELSEY: I am no Diana G. I'm all white light and good karma and good blessings for all. But with that in mind, I decided to take advantage of this energy that we were having and I went to a sound healing on Saturday.

[00:01:54] TREY: Oh right! Tell us about it.

[00:01:55] CHELSEY: It was amazing! @RoxySoundHealing. I found her over COVID and started going to her full moons and new moons pretty regularly, via Instagram, which sounds weird, but it's actually amazing. If you have headphones, you can get a real, incredible experience. So I just fell in love with her and what she does. And she was having an in-person, COVID-safe, full moon sound healing, and I thought I got to go to this. And so I went, which was great, but it was the first time I left Goldie alone.

[00:02:28] TREY: Uh oh. What happened?

[00:02:29] CHELSEY: She was fine. Thank God. I left her in the bathroom. I gave her a whole setup. She seemed kind of upset. And when I first got home, she wasn't like that excited to see me, which I was, you know, that's like part of the benefit of leaving a dog is the excitement of, them greeting you at the door. So, we got to train her, but I'm glad I did it. it was great. How was your week, Trey?

[00:02:51] TREY: Oh, you know, my week was good. I, I did not have a sound healing experience, but I did take my nephew. He, he left this morning to go back to military school, but I took him to get, uh, like a controller for his X-Box and on the way in a person called me a Faggot. So, that was really fun.

[00:03:10] CHELSEY: Stop!

[00:03:11] TREY: And... But it led...

[00:03:12] CHELSEY: Wait, wait, wait on the way in to the military school.

[00:03:16] TREY: No, no, no,

[00:03:17] CHELSEY: On the way to where?

[00:03:20] TREY: No, separate story.

[00:03:20] CHELSEY: Oh. No. The Game Stop to get the extra controller.

[00:03:22] TREY: Correct. Yeah. but it led to a great conversation with my nephew afterwards. And, um, yeah, so that was fun. I loved that.

[00:03:30] CHELSEY: In Jersey?!

[00:03:31] TREY: In Jersey of all places. You know, it's like there's intolerant people everywhere. But otherwise it's been great. We had a wonderful summer with our nephew, Denver and, um, David shot a whole wedding all yesterday and then came home and drove Denver to the airport at four in the morning and stayed with him to walk him onto the plane.

[00:03:51] CHELSEY: Such a mensch.

[00:03:52] TREY: I know. So as I was coming in here to start recording, he just had his head back on the couch and he was like, I'm tired. And I was like, "Why?"

[00:03:59] CHELSEY: Yeah. I wonder why I wonder why, why could you possibly be tired? You superhuman you!

[00:04:05] TREY: That's right. Anyway.

[00:04:06] CHELSEY: I love your husband.

[00:04:08] TREY: As do I.

[00:04:09] CHELSEY: Great guy. Amazing.

[00:04:10] TREY: Well, um, how about we jump into some, horrible kvetchy things. Chelsey, I don't know about you, but, um, is there anything you would like to

[00:04:19] VOICEOVER: Lodge a Complaint!

[00:04:20] TREY: About?

[00:04:21] CHELSEY: I mean, I think you do know me and you know that my answer's going to be asked because this, this is the highlight of the week. Being able to get something off my chest. And since we're here, let's talk about it. Spam calls. What's going on with the spam calls, they're just happening more and more lately. I don't appreciate many of the tactics, like one: creating a phone number that's similar to my own. First of all, where's the logic in that? Like, can you, like, if I see a phone number calling that similar to my own, do you think I'm going to be like, I'm calling myself? Like what is the logic in the sending me a spam call from a number that is like two digits off from my number?

[00:05:01] TREY: Well, my dad and I are one number off.

[00:05:04] CHELSEY: Oh, really? Okay. Well maybe that's, they're hoping that I'm going to think it's like a family member, whatever. Gross.

[00:05:10] TREY: Wait, do you have a, do you have a Philly area code or in LA?

[00:05:13] CHELSEY: I have south Jersey. Cherry Hill.

[00:05:15] TREY: So you really know. Right. Cause I also have, I have a South Carolina, so I know...

[00:05:20] CHELSEY: Yeah, I'm well aware every person with an 856 area code who is calling me, I pretty much know who you are so.

[00:05:27] TREY: Yeah. Anyone that calls me from 803. I know is spam, no one with that-- anyone that has that area code is programmed

[00:05:35] CHELSEY: saved in my phone.

[00:05:35] TREY: Exactly.

[00:05:36] CHELSEY: So if you have a rogue 856, then I don't know you. And then the other thing that is just egregious you know, when you got a spam call and then they leave you a message and they make it seem sometimes it's robotic, but sometimes it's a person and they're literally like, "hi, this is Amy from you owe us a lot of and, uh, feel for you. You're going to want to give us a call because if you don't, by the end of the day, then things are really not going to be good for you." I mean like why, like, why Amy? Like, why are you doing that? It's like if meter maid was a bad job, being a spam caller that fakes messenges has just made the meter maids, like My Royal Highness. Like I don't..

[00:06:26] TREY: That is an interesting profession. Yeah. I wonder who..

[00:06:28] CHELSEY: Somebody is doing it. Right? Somebody has to be doing it. Um, anyway, spam calls like enough and I blocked them too. Still happens everyday. If anyone knows, like what I can do to get off of these spam rotations, please let me know.

[00:06:44] TREY: Well, that is the thing. There used to be like a federally, whatever list, but it expired.

[00:06:51] CHELSEY: Oh, lovely. Oh, is that why they've been picking up?

[00:06:54] TREY: Yeah, there were, I don't think I'm making this up. I think there was something, um, I don't, I don't know, but it wasn't, um, it's, it's done. Yeah, I believe.

[00:07:04] CHELSEY: I mean, I think we have other fish to fry at the moment, so like somebody maybe forgot to file the paperwork, but, but hopefully that mandate will come back.

[00:07:12] TREY: I mean, I'd tell you that is, so obnoxious. I actually have an app. Oh, you just reminded me. I have an app called robo killer.

[00:07:18] CHELSEY: Okay. Does it work?

[00:07:19] TREY: It works so well, that whenever we have meetings for our SEO people. They can't get through.

[00:07:29] CHELSEY: Wow.

[00:07:29] TREY: I have to turn it off.

[00:07:30] CHELSEY: Oh, that's good. Okay. Well, I'll try that. How about you, Trey?

[00:07:34] TREY: Okay.

[00:07:34] CHELSEY: What kind of complaint do you want a lodge?

[00:07:36] TREY: This is so weird, Chelsey, because I don't know if you can see, but I literally wrote down my complaint...

[00:07:45] CHELSEY: Spam ..Texts! Oh my God. Stop it.

[00:07:48] TREY: That is really weird!

[00:07:50] CHELSEY: Mind Meld!

[00:07:52] TREY: When you said spam calls, my mouth literally dropped.

[00:07:55] CHELSEY: I saw it was! I thought when you did that, I was like, I wonder if he also put down spam calls.

[00:07:59] TREY: I was like listening to you the whole time, like, "is she about to say text. Is she about to say text." Cause you were like "the tactics they take." And I was like, okay.

[00:08:08] CHELSEY: No, I'll leave that to you.

[00:08:09] TREY: Do you get spam texts?

[00:08:11] CHELSEY: All the time.

[00:08:12] TREY: What is that? It's so obnoxious!

[00:08:15] CHELSEY: They're also mean, cause the ones that I get are always like want to lose 200 pounds and I'm like maybe, but like...

[00:08:21] TREY: Well,I get erectile dysfunction texts. We also,

[00:08:25] CHELSEY: Yeah, that's not great.

[00:08:26] TREY: I do occasionally get like, 'learn how to make Kim K squirt.' And I'm like, you obviously don't know your audience here.

[00:08:37] CHELSEY: That's amazing!

[00:08:37] TREY: I also get like, oh, I constantly get text messages about auto insurance. I don't have a car.

[00:08:42] CHELSEY: Yeah, no, I know. I mean, I get things like that too. You're just like, where are you even finding me?

[00:08:48] TREY: I think it is when we sign up for mailing lists or anything online when you give your phone number. I think it is in those cookies Cause not everyone like vows to not share your information,

[00:08:58] CHELSEY: Right. What shady people.

[00:09:00] TREY: It might be the cell phone companies when we sign up for that.

[00:09:03] CHELSEY: Prob- I mean, let's just blame it on them.

[00:09:06] TREY: Don't contact me if I did not give you my number.

[00:09:09] CHELSEY: Right. Like you do not have permission to text me and give me weight loss advice. Unsolicited. How dare you.

[00:09:16] TREY: I don't want to do business over text message.

[00:09:18] CHELSEY: No.

[00:09:18] TREY: Get outta here.

[00:09:19] CHELSEY: Get out. How dare you truly.

[00:09:21] TREY: All right. Anyway, whatever. So, okay. Enough of the spam talk? Why don't we get some of those huge rolly carts and go down some Swedish aisles. Chelsey, are you ready to go head to head?

[00:09:33] CHELSEY: I've never felt more ready for anything in my life.

[00:09:38] TREY: Good. So as you all know, Chelsey and I are your trusty Review Queens. We bring you reviews from the internet that we feel need to be inspected.

[00:09:47] CHELSEY: We dissect the nitty gritty.

[00:09:49] TREY: And then we rate on a scale from one to five crowns. It's a very Regal process called

[00:09:56] VOICEOVER: Assess That Kvetch!

[00:09:58] TREY: And today. Listener Queens. We're bringing you yet. Another versus episode.

[00:10:04] CHELSEY: Oh my God, it's true. That's right. It's another special edition episode!

[00:10:10] TREY: As you know, because we have titles, but it's still fun to announce it. So today we are going to cover both a one star and a five star review on the same topic or business in an effort to sleuth out the real truth that oftentimes is disguised right in the middle of all the lies. We are going to find the truth today.

[00:10:35] CHELSEY: Yeah. Or, I mean, at least we're going to try. Okay. That's right. For this versus episode, Trey has selected the five-star and I selected the one-star. So to determine who reads first, we got to flip that. Cool. Yeah. Okay. Am I calling? I'm calling it.

[00:10:50] TREY: You call it. Yeah. Okay. And go!

[00:10:53] CHELSEY: Heads.

[00:10:55] TREY: It's heads!

[00:10:55] CHELSEY: Oh my God! I think I am like, what do you call it? I'm so bad sports.

[00:11:01] TREY: A referee.

[00:11:01] CHELSEY: No.

[00:11:03] TREY: A goalie.

[00:11:04] CHELSEY: No undefeated. I'm so bad.

[00:11:08] TREY: Wait didn't I go first last time. Who cares?

[00:11:11] CHELSEY: I don't know. What was the word I was looking for?

[00:11:14] TREY: Um, Oh and Oh?

[00:11:15] CHELSEY: No. When you don't lose, you've never lose..

[00:11:17] TREY: Undefeated.

[00:11:18] CHELSEY: Undefeated! Undefeated. Wow. We got to cut that.

[00:11:24] TREY: Chelsey. You won. Congratulations, it's heads. So here we go. I'm going to, um, get in line for some Swedish meatballs because Chelsey and I today are doing a one and five on the very one. What did I want to say? The very, what's a good description. We're doing a one in five of Ikea. So today we are gonna get some wheelie carts. while we go loop de loop, we get lost in the chaos of this gorgeous white factory with a giant parking structure that is found all over the world and it is called Ikea.

[00:12:01] CHELSEY: I just can't.

[00:12:03] TREY: All right, let's do it. Chelsey's first here we go!

[00:12:08] VOICEOVER: Review That Review.

[00:12:12] CHELSEY: Alrighty, here we go. So this is a one-star review on Trustpilot of Ikea. Now I will say this is like the general, I assume, dumping ground for all complaints related to Ikea internationally. So this is where those kinds of reviews will go. This review is written by Brian S.

[00:12:36] TREY: I or a Y?

[00:12:37] CHELSEY: Oh, good question, Brian, with an I. All right, here we go. One Star. How difficult can it be to buy two office chairs from this company? Order placed online for two office chairs. Arrive at the Tottenham store collection point on the 10th, 50 mile round trip, but only one chair is available along with the arms for the other chair. The man handing over the delivery makes no mention of the fact that items are missing from my order, I take the one chair and additional set of arms home and call Ikea the next day to sort out the delivery for the missing chair. Wait on hold for 50 minutes. Whilst being tortured by ABBA played on loop. Finally someone speaks to me and they confirm the missing chair will be delivered to my home address on the 16th. And a confirmation email is received from Ikea. Another email is received from Ikea today advising, 'so we're just getting in touch, remind you that your order, I have the order number 117633133, is still waiting for collection today and we want to make sure it gets safely to its new home. From their Tottenham store. I ignore this email as I know the chairs being delivered from Petersborough on the 16th. Then later today I receive another email with an invoice attached and the delivery date on the invoice is three twenty twenty twenty one. I call Ikea customer service to find out what I should do next. Do I

[00:14:31] CHELSEY: A. Go to the Tottenham store.

[00:14:34] CHELSEY: B. Wait in on the 16th as arranged or

[00:14:38] CHELSEY: C. ignore A and B and wait in on the 20th? Customer service can't find any documentation on the system regarding the Tottenham pickup or the delivery date of the 16th and confirm I should wait in on the 20. The only reason I ordered these two chairs in the beginning was because they were both available for collection on the 10th. If you want a stress-free purchase, do not buy any furniture online from Ikea. Unless of course you like listening to Abba on loop and sitting on the floor until your furniture arrives.

[00:15:20] CHELSEY: Update. Ikea have just emailed me, without warning, confirming they have now canceled the rest of my order. I now have one chair and two sets of chair arms I don't want. Well done Ikea. Stick to the pork meatballs for everyone's sake, please!

[00:15:45] TREY: Oh, Brian,

[00:15:48] CHELSEY: Brian. Don't you feel for Brian?

[00:15:51] TREY: I really feel for Brian. It does make me question. I feel like here in the, I don't know where Tottenham is. I wrote that down. I want us to like guess where that is.

[00:15:59] CHELSEY: I might have been saying that wrong. Could be Tote in ham. I'm not sure.

[00:16:02] TREY: Tote and ham. It's like you have a ham in your tote.

[00:16:05] CHELSEY: Yeah.

[00:16:06] TREY: It feels to me like it would be like in the UK, but then they, they referenced that it was miles away. Wouldn't they say? Kilometers?

[00:16:13] CHELSEY: Well, interesting. Cause I thought it sounded like UK too. And then when they wrote out the date they wrote 20 slash three slash 2021. So that's not an American thing. So I would say this is not American.

[00:16:28] TREY: Correct. But it's interesting that they said miles. Well,

[00:16:31] CHELSEY: Maybe they're like an American abroad.

[00:16:34] TREY: I also liked the phrasing of "wait in."

[00:16:36] CHELSEY: Yeah!

[00:16:37] TREY: Another clue it's not an American.

[00:16:39] CHELSEY: Right.

[00:16:39] TREY: But that really is like, what's actually like this could be a common experience because that is what is so frustrating about you'll have like a delivery window of like many hours. So then you really do have like be at home in order to receive it. So I really felt for Brian S here and the sort of back and forth.

[00:16:57] CHELSEY: Yeah. He obviously reorganize his whole schedule so that he could be home on the 16th based on not one, but two different emails. Not acceptable. It looks like I was just trying to look up. It looks like it is in Europe and it's something that we would know if we were into soccer or what they call football, because it's like a thing.

[00:17:20] TREY: Oh!

[00:17:20] CHELSEY: There's lots of like Tottenham versus Peterborough soccer, football things.

[00:17:26] TREY: And Peterborough is where it was supposed to be. The replacement was delivering from, I did have a question. So were the legs assembled to the chair, but the arms were not?

[00:17:34] CHELSEY: Oh. It must be, right? Because they, it appears that way, but I, I could be wrong because otherwise it's like, what is the chair? W w you know, like, it makes sense that the chair would be together and then you would like screw in the arms to me, you know, a bass and forearms.

[00:17:51] TREY: I feel like the... cause you know, Ikea is very specific in it's design, it's like very sleek, modern. I imagine it's like one architectural structure and then you screw the arms on,

[00:18:02] CHELSEY: Right. Same. That's what I'm saying. Yeah.

[00:18:05] TREY: What is Brian's spelling and grammar like?

[00:18:07] CHELSEY: Excellent. We, you know, we utilize parentheses, we have lists.

[00:18:12] TREY: You know why?

[00:18:14] CHELSEY: Why?

[00:18:14] TREY: Because Brian was stuck at home. On hold for 50 minutes, listening to Dancing Queen.

[00:18:18] CHELSEY: Yeah!

[00:18:19] TREY: Stuck at the computer. So Brian has time to see the little red squiggle. Double-click see, you know, and fix the problem.

[00:18:26] CHELSEY: I am giving Brian all the credit, like despite the fact of the plot twists at the end, where they just canceled the whole order, like, wow what a plot twist He ended albeit angrily because this was done all caps with multiple exclamation points when he said, 'well done Ikea stick to the pork meatballs for everyone's sake, please', at least he gave a nod to the pork meatballs.

[00:18:49] TREY: It's interesting to me how famous the meatballs are. I mean, even I know about the meatballs.

[00:18:53] CHELSEY: Yeah. I know. Everybody knows about the Ikea Swedish meatballs.

[00:18:57] TREY: It is interesting to me that there was no record in the system! That makes me very confused. Also the whole situation with Ikea is very much like you can walk through the showroom and then you go through the factory area and you're like selecting everything. It makes me a little alarmed. There is an impact here for me having gone to Ikea and done this before. So much is based on that the inventory is accurate because if someone is like waiting at a really long line and they're like, 'you know what, I don't want this anymore.' And they like just drop pieces here. Then, like the inventory is messed up. So like, that is a huge problem. That Brian chose these two chairs cause they were a pair. And then when they came, they weren't even there. I think the first mistake is that receiving person just didn't acknowledge.

[00:19:46] CHELSEY: Just through, just through the chairs in without the, do you think that, I do wonder about that. Like, do you think that was an error on the part of the person who was putting the delivery items in the car, like they just forgot to include the second base?

[00:19:59] TREY: I don't.

[00:20:00] CHELSEY: No, you think they just didn't have it. And they were just like, screw it. We'll just...

[00:20:03] TREY: Well, I, because where did it go? Like if, when Brian got home and re like realized it wasn't there and called the original Ikea. Like, there is no record of it being anywhere. So unless the delivery person stole it or-

[00:20:15] CHELSEY: Why casue you think if they tracked it down and they saw it was still there, then there would have been like, just go back and pick it up. I don't know.

[00:20:20] TREY: That's what I would imagine. I mean.

[00:20:22] CHELSEY: This is a nightmare situation with Ikea!

[00:20:25] TREY: But it really does feel to me like, this is an authentic experience and something that could totally happen. Like I, I personally don't, well, I've done both actually. I've ordered from Ikea and I've also gone to Ikea, I guess I do feel like I w the big, like, rug pull here is that Brian was not informed that it was the order that they were handed was incomplete. That's so like, horrifying and like..

[00:20:50] CHELSEY: But there are so many crimes that occurred. I feel like in this, throughout this whole process, like that's just one of them then we're like, then we give a date and we send two emails confirming that date, we can't leave it like ugh. Terrible.

[00:21:06] TREY: And the 50 minute wait, that's terrible. And then it's canceled. And then here's another question. Do you think that on purpose Ikea plays Abba?

[00:21:13] CHELSEY: Oh, for sure. Swedish.

[00:21:16] TREY: I know, but like, it's just so on the nose.

[00:21:18] CHELSEY: I feel like Ikea doesn't mind, like, I think that the one thing I'll say, which is outside of this review, that I respect. Ikea... they really lean in to the Swedish. We got the Sweden, like they know that that's the schtick.

[00:21:30] TREY: Those names! Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I can't pronounce anything.

[00:21:33] CHELSEY: Yeah. Like it's the whole shtick. We can't pronounce the names and we are getting the Swedish meatballs. We're in line. And of course the whole music is Abba. I would be shocked for it weren't.

[00:21:43] TREY: I mean, the Abba thing was probably the only thing that was funny to me in this review and I was not entertained. It makes me very upset. It makes me angry. It makes me feel taken advantage of it makes me feel very badly. I am 100% on Brian S's side in this review, and as you were ending, I was like, what's the resolution?

[00:22:03] CHELSEY: Right.

[00:22:03] TREY: And the update doesn't even have a resolution it's canceled. Okay. Well, what does that mean? Like what?

[00:22:08] CHELSEY: It means it's done. It means like game over.

[00:22:11] TREY: But Brian has paid.

[00:22:13] CHELSEY: I'm assuming when they canceled it, they probably reimburse him for the second chair. So now he just has these spare arms,

[00:22:20] TREY: Oh. Maybe. Yeah. Ugh!

[00:22:21] CHELSEY: You know, just egregous all around. Very upsetting. I think really valid. I liked the way that Brian S took us through the journey of his experience. I didn't..

[00:22:34] TREY: I agree.

[00:22:35] CHELSEY: I didn't feel like he left too much meat on the bone. Like it was a longer review, but it wasn't like super fatty and bloated and like repetitive or anything like that. Like, it was pretty succinct.

[00:22:47] TREY: I think I can crown this.

[00:22:48] CHELSEY: Are you ready?

[00:22:49] TREY: I think so. What about you?

[00:22:51] CHELSEY: I'm ready.

[00:22:51] TREY: Yeah, let's do it. All right. So Chelsey and I each have our own set of one to five crown cards and in an effort to be fair and not influenced by one another, we will simultaneously reveal our rating.

[00:23:05] VOICEOVER: The Queens are Tabulating.

[00:23:07] TREY: Okay. Chelsey, you ready?

[00:23:09] CHELSEY: I'm ready.

[00:23:09] TREY: I think I'm totally ready. Okay.

[00:23:13] CHELSEY: Yeah.

[00:23:16] VOICEOVER: Total Score.

[00:23:16] CHELSEY: Okay. Yeah. So I'm holding up four and a half crowns and Trey is holding up four crowns.

[00:23:24] TREY: Yeah.

[00:23:24] CHELSEY: Why did you give Brian S four crowns?

[00:23:27] TREY: I gave them four because it feels to me that Brian really did an excellent job of a review. They walked me through the experience. They emotionally engaged me. I feel for Brian, they didn't like degrade the company. They didn't use cuss words. They just walked through the experience and how it was so inferior. The only reason I took anything off is because there wasn't a lot of use of humor and that that's really it. That's why I almost had four and a half, but it also made me uncomfortable that Brian put the order number in the review because that just made me feel like. I don't know, fraud could happen or something dangerous could happen. I recognize that it was canceled, but yeah, too much personal detail makes me uncomfortable. So I did four crowns. Why did you do four and a half?

[00:24:09] CHELSEY: I mean, I did four and a half. Cause I kind of think that Brian S is a Review Queen. I really liked Brian. I think he did like, yeah. Did he make me bowl over? No, he didn't. That's why I leave a half crown. Cause I, I need to, you know, be extremely entertained in order to give the full five crowns. But other than that, I think I gave Brian S winning remarks on every category. So that's why he gets it. And then I love an insult in the end that's also a compliment, you know, if you're somebody that can both insult and compliment at the same time that deserves a nod. So for that alone, I thought it was the extra half crown for me. So Brian S great job and I hope you've recovered.

[00:24:50] TREY: Yeah. I hope you have another chair and like,

[00:24:52] CHELSEY: yeah.

[00:24:53] TREY: You've made an art something with the arms.

[00:24:55] CHELSEY: It's only been a few months. So if you haven't recovered yet, I understand, but I think you will, soon.

[00:25:01] TREY: This is one of the first times the impact of this review makes me want to read more reviews from Brian, because I feel like Brian would like not lead me astray. And I feel like I might sort of relate to Brian in a way.

[00:25:12] CHELSEY: I like really like Brian a lot. I want to hang out with him. I feel like Brian's the guy that, you know, if you have something going on in your life, it's like ask Brian, he'll give you an honest assessment of the situation.

[00:25:24] TREY: Well, we're fans of you, Brian.

[00:25:26] CHELSEY: Love you. Bri

[00:25:27] TREY: Love Bri. Bri. All right.

[00:25:29] CHELSEY: Bri Bri, you're the best.

[00:25:30] TREY: So we're going to keep kvelling over here about Brian as we go on a quick break. And then when we come back, we're going to hear an entirely different side of the story.

[00:25:40] CHELSEY: Oh, my goodness. I can't wait. Love it. BRB.

[00:25:44] TREY: We're gonna scream, 'Mamma Mia!!'

[00:25:47] CHELSEY: 'Here I go..." oh my God. We are going to scream 'Mamma Mia!' for Meryl.

[00:25:54] VOICEOVER: Hold your crown. We'll be right back.

[00:26:18] TREY: The winner takes it all.

[00:26:21] VOICEOVER: "I don't feel like an Icon. Most of the days I feel like, 'I can't.' That's with an A"

[00:26:31] TREY: I can't believe we're talking about Mamma Mia!. And now here we are with Meryl

[00:26:34] CHELSEY: I mean, we always say that Meryl can do it all, but she can do it all including Abba!.

[00:26:41] TREY: All right. So it's time for us to take a quick spin on the Meryl-Go-Round.

[00:26:44] CHELSEY: Trey and I have each picked a rotten scathing, pithy one-star zinger. And with 30 seconds on the clock, not a second more, we'll take turns, trying to recite the zinger and as many genres as possible.

[00:26:56] TREY: Just like queen Meryl, who Abba-Mia... what?!

[00:26:59] CHELSEY: Abba-Mia?!

[00:27:00] TREY: I tried to say.. What is her name in that movie, Donna?

[00:27:06] CHELSEY: Donna!

[00:27:07] TREY: I haven't even seen the movie. Uh, just like queen Meryl, who does it all and all the husbands in Mamma Mia!, although possible suitors.

[00:27:14] CHELSEY: So many suitors. Okay. Who is the father?

[00:27:17] TREY: It's really a, that's a dirty plot.

[00:27:19] CHELSEY: Right?

[00:27:20] TREY: Anyway, at least Donna had fun. All right. So I'm first. All right. Enough about Mamma Mia.

[00:27:25] CHELSEY: I mean never enough, but...

[00:27:26] TREY: Did you see the second one?

[00:27:28] CHELSEY: I think it was like on, in the background while I was cooking. Once.

[00:27:32] TREY: I feel like that's definitely a movie that would be on a plane.

[00:27:34] CHELSEY: Oh, for sure.

[00:27:35] TREY: Okay. Anyway. Today I am keeping with theme and I have a one-star zinger for Ikea in Brooklyn, New York!

[00:27:42] CHELSEY: In Brooklyn, New York?!.

[00:27:44] TREY: This is from, um, Pedro M. Their one star zinger is, 'don't like it at all.'

[00:27:52] CHELSEY: Okay, Pedro, hearing you loud and clear.

[00:27:55] TREY: Also there's like two extra spaces between it and at all. it has an ellipse, a three dot dot dot at the end. Don't like it. At All...

[00:28:05] CHELSEY: All right. Keep that in mind, Trey, when you're doing your reading. Okay?

[00:28:08] TREY: What am I strapped in on?

[00:28:10] CHELSEY: Oh, well can't really beat the wrecking ball magic eight ball moment. All right, Trey. I think you're a strapped into...what am I feeling today. God, I'm drawing a blank.

[00:28:22] TREY: Please move at a glacial pace. You know how it thrills me.

[00:28:27] CHELSEY: All right, I think for today. you're strapped into like a train. It's like a Meryl Go Train. No, that's bad. Okay.

[00:28:36] TREY: No, that's fun! The Trey- Train,

[00:28:42] CHELSEY: Trey-Train.

[00:28:43] TREY: Choo-Choo!

[00:28:43] CHELSEY: Are you ready?

[00:28:43] TREY: Im ready.

[00:28:44] CHELSEY: Let's do it. We're goofy today!

[00:28:49] CHELSEY: Drama. Don't like it at

[00:28:52] CHELSEY: all. WWE

[00:28:59] CHELSEY: grom. I don't

[00:29:01] CHELSEY: like it at all.

[00:29:05] CHELSEY: Magic show.

[00:29:10] CHELSEY: spy. I like it.

[00:29:14] CHELSEY: Opera diva.

[00:29:21] VOICEOVER: That's all.

[00:29:22] CHELSEY: That's not all that was friggin great is what that was. Let's see... that's six, Trey! Great Job.

[00:29:30] TREY: Thank you. Thank you.

[00:29:31] CHELSEY: That was amaz-- Please take a sip of water from your beautiful new water bottle.

[00:29:36] TREY: So as you find your zinger, I'm going to tell you that you're going to be strapping in, on a filing cabinet.

[00:29:41] CHELSEY: A flying filing cabinet?

[00:29:43] TREY: No, just a wheeling one.

[00:29:45] CHELSEY: I'm going very slow!

[00:29:46] TREY: On those coasters, the little roller coasters!

[00:29:49] CHELSEY: I can get down with that. All right. My one star zinger is from the Ikea in Burbank because I'm also on theme today. My review is written by Rajuul E. Very expensive furnitures highway rubbery.

[00:30:13] TREY: Are you ready? Are you going to, um, get on your filing cabinet?

[00:30:16] CHELSEY: Uh, I am strapped into the filing cabinet filed under the letter, C.

[00:30:21] TREY: The Wheelie coasters are WD-40'd and you're gonna zoom, zoom, zoom.

[00:30:26] VOICEOVER: 321 Go!

[00:30:33] VOICEOVER: .Adult film

[00:30:33] VOICEOVER: highway rubbery,

[00:30:35] VOICEOVER: WWE

[00:30:39] VOICEOVER: rubber

[00:30:42] VOICEOVER: Yankee. Very

[00:30:44] VOICEOVER: extensive furnishers highway robbery,

[00:30:47] VOICEOVER: Disney, extensive

[00:30:50] VOICEOVER: furnitures,

[00:30:53] VOICEOVER: opera, diva expensive.

[00:31:02] TREY: Rubbery! Highway rubbery!

[00:31:06] CHELSEY: Oh my God!

[00:31:08] TREY: You got five, my love!

[00:31:09] CHELSEY: Okay! You won! Trey. Good job.

[00:31:14] TREY: Thank you thank you!

[00:31:15] CHELSEY: Great work, Great Work!. I knew I was a little bit on the longer side this week, but when I saw the highway rubbery, I just, I had to.

[00:31:24] TREY: No, that was worth it. Thank you, Rajuul! Good job.

[00:31:28] CHELSEY: Thank you, Rajuul! Great job, Trey. Congrats. You winner!

[00:31:33] VOICEOVER: Review that Review.

[00:31:37] CHELSEY: All right. We are back from that rousing game break and it's Trey's turn.

[00:31:43] TREY: Okay. So I'm very excited to be sharing the five star review. I found this from as well. And this is, from Robert L and Robert's profile image is a pretty little kitty.

[00:31:58] CHELSEY: Awww. Okay.

[00:31:59] TREY: The subject is, 'the small things that matter.' Last week, I fell through my bed three times within a single night.

[00:32:10] CHELSEY: Oh no. Alright, You can start again. I'll I'll prepare myself.

[00:32:17] TREY: I don't know if I can say it again. Okay.

[00:32:22] CHELSEY: Should I mute?

[00:32:23] TREY: No, no, no, no. It's not funny. Last week I fell through my bed three times within a single night. Dot dot dot. Parentheses. Well, two times to be honest, the third time it was my GF. And since I was sleeping like a babe and never even woke up to notice her cursing and moving to the sofa, I really can't complain about that one. Winkie Face. And no end parenthesis in sight. Anyway, it turns out the slatted bed base wasn't broken, but simply shifted between the sides and fell down through the opening. Since the bed had been increasingly squeakish ever since I moved from my old apartment, I decided to check the screws to see if they were still alright. Imagine my surprise when I found that half of the screws were not there! Suddenly, I felt very lucky that I hadn't completely ruined the bed in the last months, parentheses moral of the story, dot dot dot, if your little brother says, quote, 'go take care of the dishwasher dot, dot, dot I'll set up the bed by myself. No problem.' Make sure he doesn't discard half the screws and uses tie wraps instead because he finds it quicker. After checking my supplies. I found a bread bag with most of the screws and several other missing parts, I never even knew existed! But in the end I still came up short on a few of those long, typical Ikea screws. Since the bed was over 10 years old and was no longer sold by Ikea, I feared I was screwed, parentheses, Yes dot dot dot, pun intended shame on me. But I decided to contact them anyway, to see if I could buy them somehow. I was very glad that all they needed was the amount of screws I needed and the screw ID number. I found this in a manual online and they would send it to me free of charge. Five days later, I received the screws in a gift bag with a complete customs declaration. Origin: Sweden! With them, I was able to fix my bed. And now do you know, dot dot dot, it hasn't squeaked once since. Nice service.

[00:34:48] CHELSEY: Wow. Okay. Robert L first of all, I think Robert L might be the only person I've ever heard of that has a bed that lasts more than 10 years from Ikea. No offense. I mean, I'm just shocked that what did he call them? The, the tie? The tie wraps?

[00:35:07] TREY: Yeah, I was wondering, what is a tie wrap? Is that like a zip tie?

[00:35:10] CHELSEY: I think he means a zip tie, right?

[00:35:11] TREY: I don't know. I feel like, how do you get out of zip ties? I do want to, just before I forget, throughout the review, I have never, in my life seen this many ellipses. I kind of actually want to count them, but also Robert interchanges spelling, Ikea in all caps with just a capital I, which is very interesting.

[00:35:33] CHELSEY: Yeah. Do you think there's like some sort of subliminal messaging there?

[00:35:37] TREY: No, it was just odd, like pick a side buddy.

[00:35:39] CHELSEY: Pick a lane.

[00:35:41] TREY: Seven. There's seven uses of ellipses in this review.

[00:35:45] CHELSEY: That might be an abuse

[00:35:47] TREY: Also. Like I think Robert L is like a comedy writer!

[00:35:51] CHELSEY: First of all, I was obviously, I was very, I thought this was very funny at the top when he said the three times thing, I just, there was a lot of personality oozing off of this.

[00:35:59] TREY: Oh yeah!

[00:36:00] CHELSEY: I was, I mean, I was getting a little bit of like a cocky white male vibe. I'm not going to lie.

[00:36:06] TREY: Oh!

[00:36:07] CHELSEY: With like the Winky face, although the kitty picture softens him a bit.

[00:36:11] TREY: Yeah. I was picturing Caucasian too. That's really interesting.

[00:36:16] CHELSEY: I thought it was funny when he was like three times in one night, which was like such a fun thing. And then he was like, actually I lied. It was two, you know, he copped to the fact that it was the girlfriend. In a way that made me trust him more.

[00:36:29] TREY: I hear you. It is interesting. This is similar to the splash at the boathouse review, where I do think that Robert is introducing this girlfriend character and we never hear from them again. And it did make me think in a perverse way at the end. Did the girlfriend break up with him? Because now the bed has never squeaked again.

[00:36:49] CHELSEY: I know I thought about that as well. I liked the word squeak ish!

[00:36:55] TREY: Squeakish!

[00:36:56] CHELSEY: I wrote that down. I thought that was a nice word inventions from Robert, I've never really.

[00:37:01] TREY: Squeakish, Increasingly squeakish.

[00:37:04] CHELSEY: Increasingly squeakish.

[00:37:04] TREY: A bread bag. I don't think I've ever used the phrase bread bag.

[00:37:08] CHELSEY: Yeah, I wrote that. I wrote bread bag. What do you think he meant by that? Like, I, I would think like for some reason, a bread bag to me feels like a paper bag where not like a Ziploc.

[00:37:19] TREY: Yeah, in my mind, it's like uh, like a saran wrap, wrappy, type bag that doesn't have any way to close it without a bread tie.

[00:37:26] CHELSEY: Oh, a bread bag. Like maybe like actually like a Wonder Bread..

[00:37:30] TREY: NO!

[00:37:32] CHELSEY: ...bag.

[00:37:33] TREY: Well, my first thought was like, literally Wonder Bread, but that's literally the image. But then I was like, but who like keeps that, but then like, what is a bread bag? Maybe this isn't, but maybe this is not an American, so maybe that might be part of it.

[00:37:46] CHELSEY: Oh that's true. Yeah. Maybe because of the tie wraps and the bread bag. I feel like there were some things that were coming up that I was like, I don't know if, Robert just has his own language.

[00:37:57] TREY: Squeakish.

[00:37:57] CHELSEY: Because of the whole squeakish thing.

[00:37:59] TREY: No, but I kind of like the little brother. The little brother seems very mischievous. Do you think that the little brother like was just like, I'll use these zip tie because like it's faster or like, do you think that he knew what he was doing?

[00:38:14] CHELSEY: I mean, maybe the little brother was like, I used this in my college and I used the zip ties and it worked just fine. Nobody keeps an Ikea bed for 10 years. I mean, let's think about the little brother, if we just want to redeem his character for a moment, whatever the little brother did with these zip, tie wraps as you call them worked sufficiently enough for 10 years.

[00:38:36] TREY: Well, I don't know if the brother installed it 10 years ago.

[00:38:41] CHELSEY: Well, who the hell, who the heck did install it then?

[00:38:44] TREY: Wait. But my understanding is like Robert had the bed.

[00:38:48] CHELSEY: Yeah.

[00:38:48] TREY: Then moved.

[00:38:50] CHELSEY: Why did, when did it say he moved?

[00:38:52] TREY: Well, he says in the new...

[00:38:54] CHELSEY: Oh. It says he moved? I missed that. Oh.

[00:38:55] TREY: The bed had been increasingly squeakish ever since I moved from my old apartment.

[00:39:02] CHELSEY: Oh, well he did say that.

[00:39:04] TREY: I decided to check the screws So lucky I hadn't completely ruined the bed in these last months, so he moved into the new apartment within the last few months and the little brother helped.

[00:39:14] CHELSEY: Oh. And the brother put it back together. Okay.

[00:39:17] TREY: But like your point about how. it's working, what the little brother did is working, except he finds this bread bag with all these other pieces that Robert didn't even know ever existed.

[00:39:29] CHELSEY: Right. So a few months ago, so I was giving the brother too much credit. Cause I thought that when he, that his handiwork lasted 10 years, but it didn't actually just let lasted three months. So like.

[00:39:39] TREY: That's what I think.

[00:39:40] CHELSEY: Yeah. So I think that brother just was trying to cut corners and,

[00:39:44] TREY: and maybe Robert was paying like, 'Hey, help me set up the apartment. I'll buy pizza.' And so he, they use plates rather than paper plates.

[00:39:54] CHELSEY: Cause they're civilized and they believe in conserving the environment, yeah.

[00:39:59] TREY: Go wash the dishes in the dishwasher. I'll like, do the ties out of.. Right. I don't think the brother intended malice here. I'm going to, I like to think that he did not.

[00:40:09] CHELSEY: I think the brother is innocent. If not like maybe like a little ignorant to the necessities of putting together..

[00:40:18] TREY: I do appreciate that Ikea was like, they have enough inventory to know that each screw will have a screw ID and that they have them available and that they didn't even charge. That's so remarkable.

[00:40:29] CHELSEY: Yeah, that was nice.I think that actually happened to me once with Ikea, like I needed just like a specific part and I was able to get it for free as a replacement. So I do think that that's a policy they have, which I appreciate.

[00:40:42] TREY: I love that.

[00:40:43] CHELSEY: Anything else we need to go over before we crown this?

[00:40:47] TREY: I mean, I feel like this is authentic.

[00:40:50] CHELSEY: Yeah.

[00:40:50] TREY: Not if I was the grandmother, but if I was the little brothers significant other, I would hang this on the fridge. Cause it's probably really funny.

[00:40:58] CHELSEY: Yeah. I'm ready to crown.

[00:40:59] TREY: I think I'm ready too. Alright, let's do it.

[00:41:03] VOICEOVER: The Queens are Tabulating.

[00:41:06] TREY: Ready?

[00:41:08] CHELSEY: I dunno. I think so. Yeah. I'm ready.

[00:41:15] VOICEOVER: Total Score.

[00:41:17] CHELSEY: Okay. Interesting. That's what I was waffling between. I'm holding up four crowns, Trey's holding up three and a half. I gave four crowns because I thought again, it was, it was like funny, not hilarious, but other than that, I felt like he was hitting most of the notes for me. I thought he was being truthful. I thought he was being honest. I, I personally know that the policy he's talking about does exist. And so that's why I gave him four crowns. Cause I'm in a good mood today, I guess. What did you do three and a half?

[00:41:44] TREY: Aside from the humor at the very top, it just feels very middle of the road. The impact here is that I could, I can sleep soundly knowing that if something occurs with the screws. Here's an example where someone 10 years later was able to get more

[00:42:02] CHELSEY: Right. So there's information.

[00:42:04] TREY: Right. But it just felt very middle of the road to me. And the ellipses were a little like, Hmm. But it was still entertaining. And I like the picture of the cat. So I did a half crown for that. So that's why I want my three and a half.

[00:42:17] CHELSEY: I love that. Also. We forgot to mention when he called himself out for his own pun, that was kind of funny.

[00:42:23] TREY: Kind of funny. Kind of.

[00:42:25] CHELSEY: Alright Trey.

[00:42:26] TREY: 'Shame on Robert.'

[00:42:28] CHELSEY: Why shame on Robert?

[00:42:30] TREY: That's what Robert says. 'Shame on me.'

[00:42:32] CHELSEY: Oh, shame on Robert. Yeah. For what yet? Good job, Trey.

[00:42:37] TREY: Well, if that were go, that was the five star.

[00:42:39] CHELSEY: That was the five star. What do we think about the two varying experiences at Ikea? Do we think they're both probably pretty common.

[00:42:48] TREY: I feel like what I've learned today is that Ikea is a solid company. That's why it exists around the globe, but you can have a negative experience just like any business. Because they really are dependent on so many tiny, tiny, tiny little pieces here and there, and the inventory can get screwed up. And I don't know, I think I'm going to continue to go to Ikea. What about you?

[00:43:07] CHELSEY: I'm not going to order from Ikea online, like period.

[00:43:10] TREY: Wait. Really?

[00:43:11] CHELSEY: Yeah. Like I think that, like, if I'm gonna get an Ikea product, I'm going to go into the store and I'm only going to get it if it's in stock and they have it there and they can load it into the back of my car and I can drive off the lot with the item. I just think it's not worth the headache of ordering it online and then hoping that it doesn't get lost or something doesn't happen. Or even with, obviously in Brian's case, it wasn't even like he got it because it said it was going to be available at the store near him. So I don't even think you can do that. You just literally need to go to the store. And pick up the items. Otherwise..

[00:43:50] TREY: But you have to, but from Brian S's his lesson here is you have to check it before you put it in your car.

[00:43:56] CHELSEY: True! And check it before they put it in your car.

[00:43:59] TREY: Yeah, You have to check, you have to verify because the alternative could be a nightmare.

[00:44:04] CHELSEY: Yeah, the alternative is likely a nightmare.

[00:44:08] TREY: Oy.

[00:44:09] CHELSEY: Oy Gavelt! Well, we did it. Um, I know we've all been, you know, anticipating this Ikea debate and, uh, I hope you enjoyed it

[00:44:19] TREY: Have you ever had the meatballs?

[00:44:21] CHELSEY: I think years ago I had the meatballs. I'm not that big of a fan of sweet meatballs. I'm more of an Italian meatball kind of girl.

[00:44:28] TREY: I've never had them. But anyway. Well, awesome. All right. My queen. So we have reached the most Regal portion of our show. Chelsey, who are you inducting for..

[00:44:42] VOICEOVER: My Royal Highness!

[00:44:43] CHELSEY: I am so excited to induct today, Cathy Heller, @Cathy.Heller on Instagram. You can find her. She's written a book called Don't Keep Your Day Job. She has a podcast with the same title. She's just one of the most amazing people I've ever had the pleasure of stumbling upon. Obviously the title of her book suggests the direction of what she advises people, but if you've ever met anyone that just kind of puts you at ease and makes you feel like your best self is not as far away as you might, fear, it might be that's Cathy. She does that for everyone who listens in to her amazing podcast. And she's, she seems really mission driven in terms of authentically helping people. Like she really, really wants to help people fulfill their dreams. And I couldn't say enough great things about her. I wish we were friends because she just seems like the most awesome person. And, um, Thanks Cathy, for inspiring me and keeping me going. So you, Cathy Heller are My Royal Highness. How about you?

[00:45:55] TREY: I love that.

[00:45:56] CHELSEY: Oh, Cathy's also a song writer by the way. I missed that.

[00:45:59] TREY: Oh really?

[00:45:59] CHELSEY: She is an absolute star. Wow Trey. Who are you inducting for your Royal Highness.

[00:46:06] TREY: Okay. So today I am inducting something that's not Swedish, but is German.

[00:46:12] CHELSEY: Different!

[00:46:13] TREY: Yes, it's different. And I am inducting the Munich Animal Welfare Association because I found this amazing article. So the Munich Animal Welfare Association decided to hire a, like a PR company to put their adoptable animals on Tinder.

[00:46:34] CHELSEY: What?

[00:46:36] TREY: Yes. So they have like a photographer who like takes these really cute pictures of these animals. And people are swiping on the Tinder app and they see these beautiful little helpless animals that just want a forever home. And so they hired someone to do it as like a creative way to get more eyes on these animals that need homes. And so like they had like an inundation of people calling to set up their first dates and it's like totally working. So I just think that is such a Queenly move and how cute? It probably like is like a huge smile boost to everyone that's on Tinder going through the motion and you see the cute little cat or the sweet little Guinea pig that like needs a home. The article talks about this one cat that had like 17, like matches, and like seven people actually called and were like, I actually like, would like to meet the cat. So I just thought that was so cute. So inventive, so wonderful. And yeah. So for that reason, the Munich Animal Welfare Association, you are My Royal Highness for this week. Congratulations.

[00:47:43] CHELSEY: Wow. Congratulations to that kitten or whatever it was. They got more swipes and matches than I did. So, wow. We did it again. We got another round in the books. What do you think?

[00:47:58] TREY: I think that's awesome. So thank you everyone for joining us today. If you liked what you heard, tell a friend!

[00:48:05] CHELSEY: And if you didn't like what you heard, tell an enemy. If you want to lodge your own complaint, submit your own review or share with the world who you would induct for my Royal Highness. Leave us a voicemail at 850-Review-zero,

[00:48:19] TREY: And you can follow us on all the socials @theReviewQueens. And my handle is @treygerrald that's Gerrald with a G and it has two RS.

[00:48:31] CHELSEY: And my Instagram is at Chelsey with a Y B D. You can also watch live clips from our recording sessions on YouTube.

[00:48:42] TREY: And remember,

[00:48:43] CHELSEY: Ignore the haters. You're a queen!

[00:48:47] TREY: Gender non-specific queen!

[00:48:49] CHELSEY: It's true. Bye!

[00:48:50] TREY: Bye. Swipe right on some kitties.

[00:48:53] CHELSEY: I don't know why. That sounds weird to me.

Review That Review is an independent podcast. Certain names have been redacted or changed to protect the guilty. Executive produced by Trey Gerrald and Chelsey Donn with editing and sound designed by me with voiceover talents by Eva Kaminsky. Our cover art was designed by LogoVora and our theme song was written by Joe Kinosian and sung by Natalie Weiss.

[00:49:13] TREY: Meatballs!



bottom of page