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TRANSCRIPT of Episode 18: "Artificial Grass Urine Spray / OKCupid"

Review That Review with Chelsey Donn & Trey Gerrald
Episode 18: "Artificial Grass Urine Spray / OKCupid"


THEME SONG: [00:00:00] Everybody's got an opinion.

Every Californian and Virginian.

It's so hard to tell who to trust and who to ignore.

Someone's gotta settle the score.

Trey and Chelsey will help you choose!

Whose views win, which ones lose.

Online haters are comin' for you!

Baby, it's time to Review That Review!

[00:00:00] CHELSEY: Hey!

[00:00:31] TREY: Hello? Hello. Hello. Welcome to Review That Review. The podcast dedicated to reviewing..

[00:00:38] CHELSEY: Reviews! We're just like Siskel and Ebert only instead of being two older white men we're us. And instead of reviewing cinematic masterpieces, we rate and review those hilarious, scathing, and sometimes suspishous online reviews.

[00:00:53] TREY: I was wondering where you were going with that. That's Chelsey Donn!

[00:00:57] CHELSEY: And that's Trey Gerrald!

[00:00:59] TREY: And together, we aren't crotchety old white men from Chicago, and some other town, that sit On the Aisle. We are..

[00:01:06] VOICEOVER: The Review Queens.

[00:01:10] TREY: Hey Review Queen, how you doing?

[00:01:12] CHELSEY: I'm good. I think that's so accurate that they sit on the aisle. That's true. I like that as a character description in general!

[00:01:20] TREY: I know it was all very punny, and appropriate.

[00:01:22] CHELSEY: It was very punny. And I think as an adult, I'm just realizing that anyway, you got to be there with me for that realization. I'm great. I had a mani-pedi for the first time in a very, very, very, very long time. And I knew it was going to change my life and just make me feel happier and better. And that's why I did it. And it delivered, I feel so much better.

[00:01:44] TREY: What color?

[00:01:45] CHELSEY: I decided to go with lavender!

[00:01:48] TREY: Oh yes! Like our photo shoot.

[00:01:50] CHELSEY: It's true. It's just like the photo shoot. I also just really like a purple you're mostly gonna find me in a purple. Do you ever put a color on the nail? How do you feel about that?

[00:01:59] TREY: I, you know, I did do a play in Key West several years ago where I played a drag queen and, I had Christmas red gel manicures, and I was so self-conscious and Key West is.

[00:02:12] CHELSEY: Really?

[00:02:12] TREY: Oh, yeah. Key West is very open and lovely. I mean, they're like everything exists in Key West. There's like people that maybe aren't so open-minded because it is Florida still, but then it is Key West, which is like so fun.

[00:02:25] CHELSEY: We have the full spectrum.

[00:02:26] TREY: Yes. And their motto is One Human Family. So they do all exist together and that's lovely. So it's like whatever, but red is a shocking color, but it is trendy now for boys to have their nails colored, without it being anything tied to. Uh, sexuality, I've toyed, I've thought about it, but

[00:02:42] CHELSEY: I'm here for it.

[00:02:44] TREY: David's dad gets, clear polish, which I think is really cute.

[00:02:47] CHELSEY: Yeah, my dad gets manicures too. And he just says, I think just like Buff em, you know, no polish at all on his, manicures, but I think it's nice that men are opening up to the idea of doing it. I really truthfully believe you just feel better after you get a mani pedi! It's like, there's like a magical, it's like getting on, um, like the Magic School Bus. What was her name? Miss...?

[00:03:11] TREY: Miss Frizzle!

[00:03:12] CHELSEY: Miss Frizzle! You know, the manicurists. They take me somewhere better.

[00:03:16] TREY: Well, shall we get into some real trauma that you and I are each going through every day,

[00:03:19] CHELSEY: I think we should. I need this.

[00:03:22] VOICEOVER: Lodge A Complaint!

[00:03:23] TREY: I had to Google how to pronounce it.

[00:03:25] CHELSEY: Okay.

[00:03:26] TREY: Capcha.

[00:03:27] CHELSEY: Cap.. well ugh! God! Captcha. Don't even get me started! I, I, I...

[00:03:30] TREY: You know what it is!

[00:03:31] CHELSEY: Yes, of course I, is it reCaptcha or Captcha, but either way. It's horrible.

[00:03:35] TREY: Okay. That was another question because I wasn't sure what the difference is.

[00:03:39] CHELSEY: Right?

[00:03:39] TREY: Okay. So anyone who isn't understanding and is thinking that I'm saying ketchup. Captcha or reCaptcha is like that computer software. That's trying to prove if you are a human or a robot, anytime you're trying to go into something on the internet, it makes me crazy. I remember the old days of like AOL, when it was like typing this word that has a bunch of lines through it, and you're like 9 7 that a zero or is it a oh? And now it's all these pictures, like we're playing Pictionary and it's like your memory. You're trying to figure out which one is a hydrant, which one has bicycles. There are so many times when I get anxious where it's like click all the boxes that have a crosswalk and there'll be like a tiny little like millimeter of I don't know if you've noticed now they start saying, 'keep eliminating until there are no remaining images of a fire hydrant.' So you click the fire hydrant and insulate becomes a different image. Sometimes it's another fire hydrant and it's like all of this so that I can buy dog food. Like what in the world?! Captcha is insane. Are robots, is this really happening? Like robots are trying to log into Amazon. Maybe, I mean, I don't know, but like I hate Captcha reCaptcha. I'm all for privacy and security, but like, can it just be a little more straight forward? Do they have to be really blurry? Ultra zoomed in pictures of like highways. Like, why can't it just be clear? Why are the pictures fuzzy?

[00:05:10] CHELSEY: I I'm with you.

[00:05:11] TREY: God. I hate it.

[00:05:12] CHELSEY: I, I'm going to tell you something now that's going to make you even more angry.

[00:05:17] TREY: What?

[00:05:17] CHELSEY: So someone that I know, I cannot remember when or how I figured this or found this out. I think she works in tech or something. She told me that not only are they doing that to us, but we're actually working for them when we're doing it because they are using our answers that we're doing in terms of like, is this a hydrant? Is this a bridge? Is this.. They're using us to collect data about those images.

[00:05:44] TREY: To what end?

[00:05:45] CHELSEY: to use for, I think like image recognition, software that they're developing, or like set, like basically we are part of a science experiment. And our role in that experiment is that we must say, where is a fire hydrant so that eventually a robot can recognize where a fire hydrant is. So we are actually employees. When we're completing this Captcha. So not only do you need to do something that is quite annoying, you're actually an intern. You are an unpaid intern.

[00:06:18] TREY: Oh, I've been an intern more times than I want to be, but it is interesting. We're literally doing the thing that the thing is meant to be withholding.

[00:06:26] CHELSEY: Exactly.

[00:06:27] TREY: I would rather do the number digits with the line through the scratches than the pictures, because the pictures are so hard to decipher.

[00:06:33] CHELSEY: Yeah, but the robots can do it now. The robots can do the nine X two five one.

[00:06:37] TREY: So what is it going to be next? It's going to be like, which one is a brownie or like which one is green?

[00:06:44] CHELSEY: Correct. It's going to get harder. They're going to make it harder for us. We're going to have to work harder just to buy a bag of dog food. Unbelievable.

[00:06:51] TREY: I hate it. That's my complaint.

[00:06:53] CHELSEY: Such a good complaint. Admittedly was on my list as well. Love it. Yes.

[00:06:59] TREY: All right. What about you? What is your complaint for today?

[00:07:01] CHELSEY: Okay. My complaint for today is pumps. Like anything with a pump. Now say, stay with me, stay with me. I'm talking like soap. I'm talking. Bodywash I'm talking lotion. I'm talking. Yes. Now here's why I love a pump. Pumps make life much easier. However, I find that across the board, no matter what product I buy that has a pump function. When I am about a third of the bottle left, the pump stops working.

[00:07:33] TREY: Right.

[00:07:33] CHELSEY: And then I gotta take... If it's makeup, you got to take off the top. And then I'm for a while I'm using the makeup product. There's still plenty of makeup in there, but I'm now scooping it up with the stem of the pump and putting it on my face. Like that way. Same thing with like lotion or soap. What is this? What's happening with the pump. I've tried to like rinse it off and declog it. Cause sometimes I've read that. They say it's my fault because I'm gross and clog. I clogged it. I don't know... where it just clogs, but I've tried to unclog it. And the problem usually persists. Do you have this problem?

[00:08:13] TREY: Yes. And I once saw, and o