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TRANSCRIPT of Episode 3: "Valley of the Dolls Audiobook / Times Square Olive Garden"

Updated: Sep 17, 2021

Transcript of Review That Review with Chelsey Donn & Trey Gerrald Episode 3 "Valley of the Dolls Audiobook / Times Square Olive Garden" for the differently abled and those who prefer to read.

Review That Review with Chelsey Donn and Trey Gerrald

Episode 3

THEME SONG: [00:00:00] Everybody's got an opinion.

Every Californian and Virginian.

It's so hard to tell who to trust and who to ignore.

Someone's gotta settle the score.

Trey and Chelsey will help you choose!

Who's views win, which ones lose.

Online haters are comin' for you!

Baby, it's time to Review That Review!

TREY: [00:00:30] Hi!

CHELSEY: [00:00:31] Hi! Oh My God. I love that.

TREY: [00:00:33] I just, um, interrupted in the jingle to show this beautiful lion that I bought from Home Goods today. She's wearing a crown anyway. Uh, welcome to Review That Review. This is episode three of the podcast dedicated to reviewing...

CHELSEY: [00:00:49] ...Reviews! We're just like Siskel and Ebert only instead of reviewing cinematic masterpieces, we rate and review those hilarious, scathing, and sometimes suspicious online reviews.

TREY: [00:01:01] Mmm-hmm, Yep. That's true. And that's - speaking right then - was Chelsey Donn!

CHELSEY: [00:01:06] And that's Trey Gerrald.

TREY: [00:01:08] and together we're:

VOICEOVER: [00:01:10] The Review Queens!

CHELSEY: [00:01:14] How's her your crown today. Trey?

TREY: [00:01:16] You know, I opted for a Tiara. It just sort of felt right.

CHELSEY: [00:01:21] How's your week been?

TREY: [00:01:23] Wow! You know, honestly, it's been a really good week. I was fortunate to go visit my sister who lives in North Carolina.

CHELSEY: [00:01:32] That's right!

TREY: [00:01:32] She, yeah, she's very pregnant. She's due like in less than six weeks. And, um, her first child is about to become TWO! Well. He turns two in six weeks. So like her due date is literally, almost exactly his birthday.

CHELSEY: [00:01:47] Ugh!

TREY: [00:01:48] I know it's crazy.

CHELSEY: [00:01:49] That's scary. I hope they don't have the same birthday.

TREY: [00:01:51] Yeah. She also hopes that as well. And then my mom's birthday is like a week before, so she's also hoping like it doesn't land on that day as well. Uh, yeah. I actually had a good week. What about, like what about you? How was your week?

CHELSEY: [00:02:04] I had a pretty good week. I, you know, back in LA now as well. So back in my home turf and back to doing a little bit of my freelance work and I had to plan an eight year old's birthday party yesterday. So that was. Fun. Also, there was, um, a bit of a like olive oil spill. One of the kids knocked olive oil off the table. And so there was shattered glass everywhere, which was a nightmare, but also the olive oil was a nightmare as well. So...

TREY: [00:02:38] When you said olive oil. My first thought was like Shelley Duvall. In the Popeye's movie. Why?

CHELSEY: [00:02:45] What do you mean?

TREY: [00:02:46] You said olive oil and instead of..

CHELSEY: [00:02:48] Oh! Olive Oil!, like olive oil, the character "Olive Oil."

TREY: [00:02:51] Yeah, why did I think that?

CHELSEY: [00:02:53] I don't know. Cause maybe you're just not expecting me to say that? You were like, I don't know your mind was on Popeye.

TREY: [00:02:59] But I've never, like, I haven't thought of that movie in years.

CHELSEY: [00:03:02] I don't know, but it's like if you're going to spill glass terrible, but the olive oil really just took us over the edge.

TREY: [00:03:09] Yeah, well, it's a very precious...

CHELSEY: [00:03:10] ...yeah, it is. It's a precious item. It's not something you want to waste, but I'm fine. I'm good. All in all life is good. LA is beautiful. I can't really complain, but I'm sure we're gonna find a way to do it anyway.

TREY: [00:03:27] Oh, that sounds like a beautiful segue.

CHELSEY: [00:03:29]

VOICEOVER: [00:03:30] Lodge A Complaint.

TREY: [00:03:32] Oh boy.

CHELSEY: [00:03:33] All right.

TREY: [00:03:33] Okay.

CHELSEY: [00:03:33] Do you have something you want to complain about this week?

TREY: [00:03:36] Yeah. Okay. So I, this is sort of a tangent, but I am taking this platform to officially Lodge A Complaint against commercial jingle writers.

CHELSEY: [00:03:48] Mmmmm!

TREY: [00:03:48] Okay. So I, at my sister's house, I took on the task of making the Spanish rice when we were making, um, quesadilla night. And it was a box of Rice-A-Roni, which I don't, I think I've never in...

CHELSEY: [00:04:01] San Francisco Treat!

TREY: [00:04:01] ... my life, okay. Hello. I haven't purchased Rice-A-Roni like, I don't think ever actually but I. Like you just did. I was emptying the box and I was like, "Rice-A-Roni, San Francisco treat!" And then I could not get it out of my head.

CHELSEY: [00:04:19] Awwwwww!

TREY: [00:04:21] And then my sister, like I mentioned it, my sister and I have this like running joke because there's this commercial. I never saw it until I lived in New York, but It's like a bunch of people on a city bus and there's like a lady dressed up as like the opera, like diva with the braids and the crown. And there's like a lawyer. And then there's like a mom and whatever, but it's like, "When you have a structured settlement and you need cash now. Call J G Wentworth! Eight

BOTH!: [00:04:50] Eight seven seven Cash-NOW!


TREY: [00:04:53] Wait,

CHELSEY: [00:04:53] I remember that.

TREY: [00:04:54] Wait, You remember it from like New Jersey or like from LA.

CHELSEY: [00:04:58] I think it was an east coast thing, but I definitely remember it cause it would play like all the time.

TREY: [00:05:05] Have you ever heard the Carmel jingle?

CHELSEY: [00:05:07] Carmel? Remind me...

TREY: [00:05:08] It's like a car service. It really...

CHELSEY: [00:05:10] oh.

TREY: [00:05:10] ...happened in that moment right before like Uber and Lyft took off.

6, 6, 6, 6, 6 66.

CHELSEY: [00:05:18] Oh, no.

TREY: [00:05:18] Goin' to the airport, driving around town, shopping for a movie, the best rides in town, anywhere to go. Carmel is the number to know!," but it was like clearly a non-union commercial because none of the people are like, they just seem to kind of amateur like no judgment, like, and they like have to mouth the lyrics. And there's this one guy on the left probably like has never taken a dance class in his life. And it's just, It is like, chef's kiss so beautiful, but he like, can't it is just, gosh, I, when I think of Carmel, I think of this guy! Anyway. Oh, okay. Anyway, that's the whole point is I could not say stop singing the "San Francisco Treat."

It was stuck in my head, the entire trip. So I'm Lodging A Complaint because that's precious, like memory space, like it's so obnoxious to me and yes, it's fun. Haha. Like there's even like an Ellen standup joke. Like from back in the day before she had a talk show about like, you know, the Michelin man or like

CHELSEY: [00:06:21] By Mennen! Yeah.

TREY: [00:06:23] But boy, is that true? So I'm officially lodged that complaint all commercial jingle writers. You must do better except major kudos to our podcast, jingle

CHELSEY: [00:06:34] Which also gets stuck in my head all the time, but I don't care...

TREY: [00:06:36] but that's good. So good job, Joe Kinosian and great job, Natalie Weiss, the vocalist.

CHELSEY: [00:06:41] I guess the question is like, at what point do we change it up? Like we gotta give kudos to Rice-A-Roni, cause they've been holding on to that jingle for, God, decades.

TREY: [00:06:51] But you know who else has been holding onto it? ME! Cause I can't get it out of my head. And that is my complaint. Chelsey. Do you have any complaints you want to lodge?

CHELSEY: [00:07:00] I do. I have the complaint about false advertising on packaging.

TREY: [00:07:05] Whoa, we're both doing ads. Interesting.

CHELSEY: [00:07:08] Oh yeah. Interesting. I didn't think about that. Yeah, so I ...granted was at Rite-Aid so like expectations should be low. I wanted to get a little like present for the eight year old and there's this game, I think it's called the ladder toss or something where you have.

These two balls stay with me and they're attached by a string and you kind of launch it in the air. And the goal is to get the balls to wrap around one of the rings of the ladder, but not fall off. Okay. So I was like, oh, this is fun. It's getting hot out summer.

TREY: [00:07:47] Question...

CHELSEY: [00:07:48] ...nice outdoor game. Question?

TREY: [00:07:50] Is this like the like Rite-Aid branded, like $5 game situation.

CHELSEY: [00:07:55] Now, it was not Rite-Aid branded, however, it was 50% off.

TREY: [00:08:01] Okay. Keep going.

CHELSEY: [00:08:02] So maybe that should have cued me up, but I've played this game before and the box looked exactly like the version of the game that I had played before at my friends. And we had a jolly old time and it was great. And I was like, wow, what a steal for this game? I can't believe my friend Chris and Steph... maybe they bought this at Rite-Aid. Wow, I'm going to get this for the kids. It's going to be a great hit. And then I took it out of the box and it wasn't, it was like laughable how different the product inside the box was from the photo on the outside. Like it was just not even in the same league. It was probably like half the size. They clearly purchased the good version, did a whole photo shoot with the good version of the product, and then stuck some dreck inside the box. And that's why it was half off clearly. Really learnt my lesson, but I am lodging a complaint against false photographic advertising on the outside of your box.

And there were lots of sexual innuendos in that... unintended!

TREY: [00:09:10] Oh, yes. Yes.

CHELSEY: [00:09:12] Just saying!

TREY: [00:09:13] Pure of heart. Pure of mind. Chelsey Donn.

CHELSEY: [00:09:17] I'm holding my crown high. Okay. But I will say: messed up. I'm glad I got to talk to you about that. Cause like I had to play it off. Like it was okay in front of the kids.

TREY: [00:09:28] Well, that's what I was going to say is I recognize that you're like, oh my gosh, like, I'm a cool person. It's like, we're at that age when it's like, you're the aunt or uncle. And you're like, okay, I know that you had this amazing little contraption in your hands that can do literally anything. But when I was your age, we played with a ladder and a ball and string and oh my gosh, I got it here.

And then it's uh, like you're already facing an uphill battle. Like.

CHELSEY: [00:09:55] Yeah, and I really like oversold it too. I was like, "Hey, guys! Got a lawn game for us!". You know?

TREY: [00:10:01] Oh my God.

CHELSEY: [00:10:02] It's okay. I'm. Okay. Now I do feel better. Now that we've discussed it.

Ah, it's exhale time. Gotta let it out. I feel great. I feel great about letting that out. Do you feel good?

TREY: [00:10:17] I feel really good, actually, yes.

CHELSEY: [00:10:19] Yeah. I think it's time for us to hear some other people's complaints.

TREY: [00:10:22] Hey, that sounds great. Cause I think that that's why we're all here.

CHELSEY: [00:10:27] Yeah. As you guys know, we are your trusty Review Queens. We each bring in a review from the internet that we feel needs to be inspected. We read you the review, we break it down and then we rate the impact. Other view on a scale from one to five crowns, it's a very Regal process that we call.

VOICEOVER: [00:10:47] Assess That Kvetch!

TREY: [00:10:49] Oh, but Chelsey, my dear, for those of us who don't speak Yiddish, what does that word mean?

CHELSEY: [00:10:53] 'Kvetch!' It means complaints like, "I'm kvetching!"

TREY: [00:10:58] Oy Gut!.

CHELSEY: [00:11:00] Oy Gavalt! Rolls right off the tongue, right? Am I first, or are you first?

TREY: [00:11:05] I'm first? I'm first.

CHELSEY: [00:11:06] Your first yay. Takes the pressure off me. All right. Take it away. Trey. You Review Queen. Let's do it.

VOICEOVER: [00:11:15] Review That Review.

TREY: [00:11:19] This one I'm actually like, I'm excited about... I'm a little nervous about,

CHELSEY: [00:11:23] Don't be nervous.

TREY: [00:11:24] okay. So my review today is from Audible Books.

CHELSEY: [00:11:29] Mmmm. My Fave!

TREY: [00:11:31] And this is a review of the narration of Valley of the Dolls.

CHELSEY: [00:11:37] Oh, wow. Okay. I'm gonna take notes.

TREY: [00:11:40] And this is like, they rate on a bunch of different scales for audible books. So there's like the overall score, then there's the performance score. And then there's the story score. So overall is a two out of five stars, performance is a one out of five stars. And then story is three out of five. And this is from Terry B.

CHELSEY: [00:12:03] Okay. Terry B.

TREY: [00:12:05] All right. The subject here is all caps. Don't do it. This was by far and away, the worst narration ever. Although I enjoyed Laverne Cox in Orange is the New Black her performance here parentheses or lack thereof was nothing short of embarrassing. I had never read this classic and decided that I would persevere through the bad narration and just focus on the amazing writing by Susann. Impossible.

"Impossible." Sorry. No matter how hard I tried, I could not force myself to continue. The characters were indistinguishable. And constantly changed throughout. I wished I had returned this book and considering this was an Audible Exclusive, you would think that they would invest in a strong performer for the narration.

If you want to read this book, then do just that. Read it. Do not waste a credit to listen to it.



CHELSEY: [00:13:20] Wow. Terry B, that was intense. I also love Laverne Cox. And so if you're not paying for the Patreon and you did not see the video, my mouth was open just completely in shock for the first part of that review. Cause I, I love her.

TREY: [00:13:42] She's an icon.

CHELSEY: [00:13:43] She's an icon.

TREY: [00:13:45] hero.

CHELSEY: [00:13:46] A True hero. all of us should be so lucky.

To grace, the earth with her magnitude.

TREY: [00:13:53] But I, I guess, um, Terry did not.

CHELSEY: [00:13:56] Terry didn't agree. So like, I'm going to need to try to put my own personal feelings aside a little bit of Laverne Cox to try to dissect this review because whew, ouch.

TREY: [00:14:12] It is, this is interesting to me because it's specifically a review of the narration of the book, which I, which is why I thought it was interesting, like for an audible review, because it's literally only about how horrible Laverne Cox's performance of narration was.

CHELSEY: [00:14:31] Yeah, I mean, that's true. I like I'm somebody that listens to audibles all the time.

TREY: [00:14:37] oh, really?

CHELSEY: [00:14:37] Yes, I do. And I have a lot of heated conversations about people with people about whether or not I'm allowed to say that I read the book if I listened to it on audible, which is another discussion for another time.

However, I will say that the narration does make all the difference in the world. When you have a great storyteller who can really change up their voice and things like that, it really does make the experience of, digesting the story that much more enjoyable. So I'm with Terry on, yes.

I think that the narration can, can affect the experience. So I'll give her that to say was the worst narration ever. And to say that audible should have done a better job of hiring someone more qualified. I think is ridiculous. Considering it's Laverne Cox!. I mean, clearly they hired an icon whose a famous actor.

TREY: [00:15:34] Okay.

but I want to push back because I do believe that acting is different from voiceover work. Does Laverne Cox have experience as like a professional voiceover narration artists? Cause you just, all the skills you listed. I have dabbled in acting, but I have never dabbled in voiceover. I don't think I have that skill set.

I think there is a, in my opinion, there's a little distinguishable skillset difference. It crosses over often, but

CHELSEY: [00:16:03] That's fair.

TREY: [00:16:04] Because Laverne Cox is known as an actor, not as a voiceover artist,

CHELSEY: [00:16:09] Very true. Good distinction.

TREY: [00:16:11] My opinion, my opinion,

CHELSEY: [00:16:12] No, I appreciate the pushback and I think that's true. Was it embarrassing? I don't know. It's so hard to say, right?

TREY: [00:16:20] There is a preview.

CHELSEY: [00:16:22] Oh, okay. Let's hear it.

TREY: [00:16:24] Let's do a little listen.

CHELSEY: [00:16:25] Okay, please.

LAVERNE COX: [00:16:27] "If I had your looks, I head straight for John Powers or Conover." Who are they?" Ann asked. "They run the top modeling agencies in town. That's what I'd love to do only I'm too short and not skinny enough. But, you're just what they're looking for." "I think I'd rather work in an office." Ann said. "Okay. But I think you're crazy."

TREY: [00:16:49] Okay.

CHELSEY: [00:16:50] I liked it. I found it very soothing. I can imagine myself being relaxed and listening to Laverne read Valley of the Dolls, which embarrassingly, or maybe not. I've never read. I know it's like a very popular book. I feel like that's why Terry B is so upset because it's like seeing a movie after you've like read the book and have a relationship with the characters. And then you hear you see it and you're like, oh, this isn't the way it was playing out in my mind. Like, I kind of feel like that's what happened with Terry B. Terry B was envisioning something very specific and that thing was not Laverne Cox. So when the story was being told by Laverne Cox, she was like, what is this? This is ruining my experience, but I didn't really mind it did you?

TREY: [00:17:38] You know, it's interesting. Cause I, I was looking at other people's reviews and one person like a separate reviewer mentioned that she would constantly say four or five words and then take a breath. And I did sort of notice that, like that other review was mentioning how like redundant that became like listening to an entire book.

But, you know, I don't know. You know, I feel like I do think that I do find it to be it. A valuable opinion review cause someone did really have like a very strong reaction that like they had never read the story. It was really hard to be in the story. They kept being pulled out and were distracted by the lack of character development and then how the character development would change and the voice affectations, which is like, it does make me think oh, I mean, I was just looking this up for this podcast and it made me look at other reviews because it did have an impact of like, oh, maybe like this will pull me out.

CHELSEY: [00:18:33] There's value there. I hear you. I mean, and the person seemed coherent. Like, I don't know like what their spelling and grammar looked like, obviously. But

TREY: [00:18:41] It's perfect. There's like literally not a misspelling anywhere. And they use parentheticals and like they, they do seem intelligent.

CHELSEY: [00:18:49] Yeah. Yeah. I wasn't like that entertained by her because I don't feel like I knew her, but that's is that really the job of the reviewer? I don't know.

TREY: [00:19:00] Yeah. I don't know. That's a great question though.

CHELSEY: [00:19:02] Yeah.

TREY: [00:19:03] I mean, at least like be entertaining.

CHELSEY: [00:19:05] Like we have different biases here because I listened to a lot of things on audible all the time. And I've had some really, really bad experiences. Like I, I have a disorder or whatever you want to call it called PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. So I got an audible about that and the entire audible kept calling it P-COS. Which like never in medical history, has anyone ever called this disease P-Cos!

And that was an example of when I was like, someone should have really caught this.

TREY: [00:19:39] That's horrible.

CHELSEY: [00:19:41] And so, because that's where I'm coming from. I'm like, whatever girl, like you got Valley of the Dolls, you got Laverne Cox, like count your blessings. I've seen some like real stinkers on Audible.

TREY: [00:19:53] Do you think that Terry B is being truthful? Do we believe that? I mean, it just, it

CHELSEY: [00:19:58] I mean, it's, it feels subjective. Like I believe that this was her experience. I don't think I don't. I think that I liked the fact that she commented on, she was a Laverne Cox fan. She liked Orange is the New Black. I think she was saying all of that so that we would know, like I'm not a hater. Of Laverne Cox, like I'm not coming to this space to just hate on this person for the sake of hating on this person.

I had actually pretty high hopes for this person and I was disappointed and I feel like that is truthful to Terry B's experience,

TREY: [00:20:38] Yeah, I do have, I agree. I kind of have a little bit of a Karen radar, Karen-Dar going off at the end about sort of throwing Amazon Exclusives under the bus. Like you would think they would shout but they kind of do have a point, but like, I.

CHELSEY: [00:20:56] So, but like, I, maybe it's also biased, like in the entertainment industry, but I can't imagine someone hiring Laverne Cox, having her read it, and then like shelving it or not. I don't know, like what were they supposed to do?

TREY: [00:21:10] Well, to me, I think that if you have, like, I think the point Terry is making is actually the reason, that it is Laverne Cox, I think because it's an Amazon exclusive, this is actually for the 50th anniversary of the book. So like, I think that's why they, like, I think they did get someone really big by getting a celebrity rather than just like some unknown person.

That's a voiceover talent, you know?

CHELSEY: [00:21:35] Yeah, totally. Are we ready?

TREY: [00:21:38] you know, honestly, I, yeah, I could just go.

CHELSEY: [00:21:41] I think I have enough information to crown it.

TREY: [00:21:44] Mmm-hmm, me too.

CHELSEY: [00:21:44] All right. So Trey and I each have our own set of one to five crown cards and in an effort to be fair and not influenced by one another, we will simultaneously reveal our rating.

VOICEOVER: [00:22:01] The Queens are Tabulating!

TREY: [00:22:02] All right, Chels, You ready to show?

CHELSEY: [00:22:04] Okay. I am ready.

VOICEOVER: [00:22:07] Total Score!.

TREY: [00:22:12] Oh, okay. So I'm holding up five crowns and Chelsey's holding up three.

CHELSEY: [00:22:18] Wow. Trey, you pull up, you think that Terry B is a Review Queen.

TREY: [00:22:24] I do only because the whole point of a review is based on your personal opinion. And I feel like Terry did not didn't throw any low punches. Terry. Exactly. The points you just made. Terry was like, I was looking forward to Laverne Cox. I appreciate who they are. They use the proper pronouns. I think she, I think Laverne Cox uses she/her.


CHELSEY: [00:22:46] Okay.

TREY: [00:22:46] But they, you know, I, I believed the Terry came in with the right intentions and at the end, Terry said, if you want to know the story, just read it. So like, I didn't think they had malice. I think they were sharing their experience. And so for that, I gave it five, even though it wasn't very entertaining, which is fine.

I mean, she was short to the point. And so I gave Terry five, you gave Terry three, explain.

CHELSEY: [00:23:11] I did give Terry three. Just because first of all, like I reserved my fives for my true Review Queens, which in my opinion, does include entertainment, even though it's not the purpose of the review. I think a four, four crowns is a very, you know, strong review, uh, assessment from me. So that the audience knows I did three because I thought it was a little bit hyperbolic to say that it was the worst narration ever based off the sample that I heard, it was definitely not the worst I've heard or I've experienced.

So just based on bringing my own experience to my evaluation as a regular Audible consumer. That was why I landed with three, three crowns for Terry B. And I feel confident in that, but I respect your five crowns.

TREY: [00:24:02] You know, I really feel like, I feel like I always like consistently want to change after we reveal these. Cause you're right. The very first sentence is like far and away, the worst narration ever, which. Anyway, I guess I'm sticking with the five

CHELSEY: [00:24:16] stick with it. If that was your feeling for Terry B. Terry, B is your Review Queen!

TREY: [00:24:23] It just proves how convincing you are as a Review Queen that you really made me consider it. Yeah,

CHELSEY: [00:24:27] Well, thank you. That was fun. It's time for a little bit of a palette cleanse. Maybe before we hop back in.

TREY: [00:24:35] totally. All right. So we'll go onto a quick break right now. And then when we come back, we'll play with Meryl. Before we get into Chels-Chels's review.

CHELSEY: [00:24:44] Love it, BRB.


VOICEOVER: [00:24:48] Hold your crown, we'll be right back.

TREY: [00:24:59] Yay. Oh my gosh, Chelsey it's game time. It's time to take a quick little spin on the Meryl-Go-Round.

VOICEOVER: [00:25:19] "I don't feel like an icon. Most of the days I feel like, 'I can't!" That's with an, A."

CHELSEY: [00:25:29] I feel Meryl so hard in that quote every time,

TREY: [00:25:32] Ugh, me too.

CHELSEY: [00:25:32] Sometimes, most of the time, I guess I do feel like an "I can't" too, Meryl. Anyway, here's the deal, Trey and I each pick a rotten scathing, pithy one-star zinger. And with 30 seconds on the clock, we will take turns, reciting the zinger in as many genres as possible

TREY: [00:25:53] Just like queen Meryl, who does it all.

CHELSEY: [00:25:56] Before the clock runs out.

Ooh, my review is from Google. It is a review of the closest Walmart to my area. And the review is from Jason M and Jason M says, "smallest Walmart in hissst!" There are three S's,

TREY: [00:26:23] it doesn't say, "-ory?"

CHELSEY: [00:26:25] Hissst!.

TREY: [00:26:28] Is that like what the kids say now?

CHELSEY: [00:26:31] Apparently,

TREY: [00:26:32] Oh my God. Okay. All right. All right. You ready to hop on?

CHELSEY: [00:26:36] I feel like I need, let me just a little bit of water before I go into that. All right. I'm ready.

VOICEOVER: [00:26:43] Three, Two, One. Go!

TREY: [00:26:46] Shakespeare

CHELSEY: [00:26:48] "smallest Walmart in hisst!"

TREY: [00:26:51] Musical Theater.

CHELSEY: [00:26:59] "Smallest Walmart in hissst!"

TREY: [00:27:02] Lifetime.

CHELSEY: [00:27:04] "Smallest Walmart in hissst!"

TREY: [00:27:07] Opera Diva,

CHELSEY: [00:27:07] "Smallest walmart in Hissst!"

TREY: [00:27:12] Soap opera.

CHELSEY: [00:27:15] "Smallest walmart in hissst!"

VOICEOVER: [00:27:20] "That's All!"

CHELSEY: [00:27:20] I don't know if I'm hitting any of these genres like Meryl.

TREY: [00:27:23] No, I think you're so good at this. And it makes me so mad. Like my absolute favorite of you every time is opera diva. Cause it's so funny. Okay. Chelsey you did so good. You did 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

CHELSEY: [00:27:44] Wow.

TREY: [00:27:45] That might be the best so far.

CHELSEY: [00:27:46] Thank God. He didn't finish history or else I might have not finished with that many.

TREY: [00:27:51] That's impressive.

CHELSEY: [00:27:53] Are you ready?

TREY: [00:27:54] I'm ready?

CHELSEY: [00:27:55] Okay.

TREY: [00:27:56] All right. So I'll tell you guys mine. So my one star zinger is from Amazon Reviews and Okay.

I wish... maybe we can put the picture on Instagram because it's for a long gray wizard, wig and beard. And when I tell you it is the most hilarious image in the world and the subject is "This sucks!" And the review that is written is, "totally sucks."

CHELSEY: [00:28:22] Okay. Great.

TREY: [00:28:23] Talk about piffy.

CHELSEY: [00:28:24] I mean, at least we know that they know three words,

TREY: [00:28:28] that's true.

CHELSEY: [00:28:28] are you ready?

TREY: [00:28:31] Yes, I'm ready.

VOICEOVER: [00:28:34] Three. Two. One. Go!

CHELSEY: [00:28:37] Opera Diva

TREY: [00:28:38] "Totally sucks!"

CHELSEY: [00:28:41] Disaster.

TREY: [00:28:43] "Totally sucks!"

CHELSEY: [00:28:44] Film Noir!

TREY: [00:28:47] "Totally sucks. Big boy. "

CHELSEY: [00:28:51] Mime?!


TREY: [00:28:54] "Ahhh Totally sucks! Ahhhh"

CHELSEY: [00:29:00] Soap opera.

TREY: [00:29:03] "Totally sucks!"

CHELSEY: [00:29:04] Lifetime!

VOICEOVER: [00:29:07] That's all.

CHELSEY: [00:29:08] Okay. Freaking great as well.

TREY: [00:29:10] I know but it was two words, It's kind of cheating

CHELSEY: [00:29:12] No, it wasn't

Six!. We tied! Six and six!, wow.

TREY: [00:29:19] Wow. I'm so proud of us. We both tied!

CHELSEY: [00:29:23] I'm so proud of us too! We got to leave that as both winners.

TREY: [00:29:29] Your's was really funny. That Was like, that was a good round.


All right. So, should we jump back in.

CHELSEY: [00:29:35] I think we have to

VOICEOVER: [00:29:39] Review That Review.

TREY: [00:29:42] Alright. We're back from the game break. And now it is Chelsey Donn's turn. What is your review this week?

CHELSEY: [00:29:49] This week, I will be reviewing a place that I am embarrassingly went to frequently when I lived in New York City, which was the Olive Garden in Times Square.

TREY: [00:30:00] Oh, really? Well, you used to, live on near 42nd street, right?

CHELSEY: [00:30:03] I did, I used to live near 42nd Street, but also like in college, when I lived in the village, my roommate was just a really big fan of Olive Garden.

So we would find our way there a lot. So

TREY: [00:30:12] No judgment. I mean, hello, unlimited breadsticks.

CHELSEY: [00:30:15] Soup, Salad, breadsticks. I mean, great lunch. I was there.

TREY: [00:30:19] So where is it from?

CHELSEY: [00:30:21] It is from Yelp. It is written by Crystal W who I will point out she's going to point it out anyway, but I will point out that she is an elite reviewer. She has written, over 236 reviews. this is 237, I believe. and she includes, she's included 414 photos in her reviews.

So Crystal considers herself quite wise.

TREY: [00:30:47] Whoa.

CHELSEY: [00:30:48] Yeah.

TREY: [00:30:48] All right, I'm ready.

CHELSEY: [00:30:50] You probably think as a Yelp elite, I am crazy to go to Olive Garden while in New York City let alone in Times Square, but my family wanted to go and it was the kids' first time in New York City. So they was wanted to do all the touristy things. We stopped by for dinner on 12/30/2019 at 4:45 PM. The first red flag was our waitress, Kashaya, did not write down anything down. She memorized our orders, but that's definitely not fail-proof. She went around the table to repeat our orders and already forgot one person's. We ordered Chicken Alfredo, Seafood Alfredo, Eggplant Parmesan, and Create Your Own Pasta with one beer and one glass of Pinot Grigio. The food took forever to arrive, but yes, I understand. It's busy in New York City, especially on the Eve of New Years, new year's Eve. When our breadsticks, soup, salad arrived, our waitress forgot the cheese grater, and that we had ordered a side of the Alfredo Boat. She disappeared for 30 minutes. Our entree came out shortly after our soup... soup, salad. If that gives you an idea of how long it took, I asked her where our alcoholic beverages were and she replied, "you didn't order any alcohol." I guess she forgot she explained the beers on tap and that the Pinot Grigio Cavet might be out. And if I wanted a substitute. So, we got our drinks with the entrees probably would've helped if she wrote down our orders, the chicken and seafood seafood Alfredo were disappointing. There was hardly any sauce we had to use our Alfredo Boat and pour sauce onto our entree. We were scared to ask our waitress for more sauce because she would have disappeared back in the kitchen for another 30 minutes. Finally, our party of four, had an automatic tip of 18% applied to our $120 bill before tax. Our service definitely did NOT deserve an 18% tip. Our waitress even forgot to give us mints with the bill until I reminded her. Overall an epic fail. I tried calling the restaurant manager, Michael, several times on 12/30 and 12/31, but no one answered the phone at this location. I'm glad I didn't make New Year's Eve dinner reservations here for $250 a person. Otherwise I would be pissed spending close to $1K.

TREY: [00:33:42] Oh, my God. Okay another great pick.

CHELSEY: [00:33:46] Thank you.

TREY: [00:33:47] First of all, I just, the first thing I have to say here, is you know that Keysha or Kesha hated Crystal.

CHELSEY: [00:33:55] Hated. I mean, worst nightmare.

TREY: [00:33:58] I'm just imagining like all of that happening. And I think there's faults, obviously there are faults, but then at the very end to be like, "excuse me, excuse me, waiter. You didn't bring our mints." Oh my God. Just imagine the, like the personality of being in the service industry, especially in Times Square and then someone's like, "you didn't bring me my mints."

CHELSEY: [00:34:22] And maybe they changed this, but like back in the day, when I used to go there, I want to say they have like a barrel of mints on the way out. So like, you could grab them in if you needed a minute on the way. I mean, the men's are delicious. Let's not

TREY: [00:34:34] I don't really remember. Are they those like mint Andes?

CHELSEY: [00:34:37] They're Andes mints.

TREY: [00:34:38] And it's traditional that you get at, like with the bill, right?

CHELSEY: [00:34:41] You do. You usually get one per person or two per people, depending on how big your party is with the bill, but anyway, so many things, first of all, have you ever heard of an Alfredo Boat?

TREY: [00:34:54] No. And halfway through the review, did I realize it's probably like that salad dressing, silver little boat thing that you tip with the handle? Like it took me that long to realize that's probably what it is.

CHELSEY: [00:35:05] Do you think that's on the menu or do you think that was an off menu...

TREY: [00:35:10] I dunno...

CHELSEY: [00:35:10] ...request? I've never heard of an Alfredo Boat.

TREY: [00:35:14] Maybe it is a thing I don't like you could order it as a side? Ew. Ew,

CHELSEY: [00:35:18] Gross. Also, we got two Alfredo dishes and an Alfredo Boat and there wasn't enough Alfredo.

TREY: [00:35:26] I have a question, it say where Crystal is crystal like a tourist in New York?

CHELSEY: [00:35:32] she, yes. Crystal is a tourist in New York. It doesn't say as far as my records where she's from.

TREY: [00:35:38] Yeah. Well, because at the beginning, it's when she's talking about the kids, the phrasing is they was wanted, which sounds like, I don't know. It's not like Baltimore, like Philly or something they was wanted.

CHELSEY: [00:35:48] I don't know, there are a few weird grammatical errors like that along the way that I was like, I don't think this was intentional.

TREY: [00:35:55] What about spelling? Was there bad spelling? Cause there was a lot of grammar stuff.

CHELSEY: [00:36:00] There was no bad spelling. The spelling was fine. The grammar was wonky in quite a few places. She was very passionate about this review.

TREY: [00:36:12] It was really funny to me, like, cause I, I have been a waiter. I also have been weighted upon and I do always have a little, like, like a little like gut clench when someone doesn't write it down. And that was policy, the restaurant I worked at, we had to write it down, but like to go around the table to verify and to have completely forgotten an entire whole person's order is so funny to me.

CHELSEY: [00:36:36] Yeah, like there, there's no doubt that Kashaya? I think Kashaya was having a bad day. I can't imagine working in Times Square, even just the Eve of New Year's Eve.

TREY: [00:36:50] okay. I wrote that phrase down. I hate that. I hate when I hate. Okay. It's called New Year's Eve.

CHELSEY: [00:36:57] Right.

TREY: [00:36:58] Eve of New Year's Eve is not a thing. Christmas Eve, Eve of Christmas Eve. No. That's not a thing, but, I get, it's like just a cute, more concise way to, but like obviously this Olive Garden in Times Square is like probably the most premiere spot to watch the ball drop.

CHELSEY: [00:37:16] Yes!

TREY: [00:37:17] You have to like have an outrageous number of staffing for that event. So it's literally like the Eve of New Year's Eve is like the calm before the storm.

CHELSEY: [00:37:28] Right!

TREY: [00:37:29] So, I just like, I can't, A, imagine working in Times Square, B, for those ho oh my God. Like I just I, my empathy is already not with Crystal. It is with Keysha, Kesha. Kashaya

CHELSEY: [00:37:42] Kashaya, I think.

TREY: [00:37:43] How is it spelled?.

CHELSEY: [00:37:44] K A S H A Y A.

TREY: [00:37:48] Oh, that's pretty.

CHELSEY: [00:37:49] Yeah. Kashaya.

TREY: [00:37:50] I also think it's funny that at the beginning she says that she disappeared for 30 minutes and then like, period, you want to guess how long they were gone. Like, what? Also Like..

CHELSEY: [00:38:01] No, I don't want to guess you told me.

TREY: [00:38:03] Do you think that Crystal is like holding a stopwatch because she references a frame timeframe a couple of times here, and she's an "Elite Reviewer!"

CHELSEY: [00:38:10] Yeah, I think maybe Crystal's like a swim coach or something like that, like, or, or like a track and field.

TREY: [00:38:17] ...just with it hanging...

CHELSEY: [00:38:19] She just has it already hanging around her throat. She's like, this is ridiculous. I don't know. I also think. Uh, for future, we need to have some sort of a sound cue. Whenever anyone says, if they called the manager or tried to speak to the manager,

TREY: [00:38:32] I like that. A Karen, like, um,

CHELSEY: [00:38:34] yeah, because she, because crystal made sure that we knew that she tried calling the manager, who she knew me by name Michael, which leads me to believe that she probably spoke with Michael face-to-face. How did she know his name was Michael, unless you just called and was like, I want to speak to the manager and they're like, I'll put you through to Michael.

TREY: [00:38:54] That's a good question. I did notice on 12/30 and 12/31. Girl, why are you calling to speak to a manager on New Year's Eve?

CHELSEY: [00:39:03] They're busy.

TREY: [00:39:04] That Manager is not going to answer you.

They shut down the subway stations on New Year's at like eight in the morning. Like.

CHELSEY: [00:39:10] I know, also like...

TREY: [00:39:11] ...he's not answering to hear your complaint.

CHELSEY: [00:39:12] It's really busy in the City during this time, because Crystal, you're not the only one whose kids are off from school and you think, oh, it's a great idea to go and spend some time in the city. Like it is busy. If it was taking a half an hour for you to get your entrees, it was probably because they were packed and they usually are packed just to be clear.

TREY: [00:39:35] Correct. Well, you know, to be fair, the not writing the things down, that's a problem.

The length of time is a problem. If they had written everything down, I think they would have remembered they ordered beer. They would have remembered all this stuff.

CHELSEY: [00:39:47] Agreed.

TREY: [00:39:47] Like I like that is a problem. And so that's valuable to me that you know, it's possible, like, my experience as a waiter was we had to write the orders down. So if you're going here and it's that busy and you're without your server for that long, it's probably like reminiscent. No. It's probably indicative of like what a common experience it's going to be there is what I'm imagining.

CHELSEY: [00:40:12] Oh, yeah. I mean, like we're not getting 5 star white glove service at the Olive Garden let's be clear. We're in Times Square, the service, I'm positive was sub-par I'm not doing any question that I'm sure, Crystal writing this review. I'm I think a lot of people going to this Olive Garden location, we'll probably also wait a long time for their food, and possibly encounter some bad service.

Cause I'm sure the turnaround is pretty significant.

TREY: [00:40:44] Do you know, owns Olive Garden?

CHELSEY: [00:40:46] No, who?

TREY: [00:40:48] I don't ...I just remember in college there, I had friends that worked for Outback Steakhouse, and to get hired at Outback Steakhouse, you had to do a writing test. You had to do a math test and you had to pass like three interviews. I'm wondering if it's the same organization.

CHELSEY: [00:41:02] I had a friend that worked at Olive Garden. Not that location. I think like the 34th street, there's another location of Olive Garden. And she had like a packet, like she had a memorize a lot.

TREY: [00:41:13] That's what I'm wondering. Like I w I actually don't think it's. Like, I don't think our judgment is about what it takes to be a server at Olive Garden.

These sort of, even though they're not fine dining restaurants, they're chain restaurants. They like, you can't just get hired off the street

CHELSEY: [00:41:28] I guess my thing is more, I'm sure that Kashaya is just like beat to the ground, by the time she leaves that place.

TREY: [00:41:36] That is a hard location.

CHELSEY: [00:41:38] That is a hard job.

TREY: [00:41:40] but you could make the job easier by writing everything down.

CHELSEY: [00:41:43] It's true. I also, I mean, I don't think it's a policy at Olive Garden, but my sister was a waitress and her, the restaurant that she worked at, they had, they wouldn't let them write it down

TREY: [00:41:56] Yeah. That's like a thing too. And I just, just in this whole conversation, I'm not being judgemental of service workers. Your sister is a lawyer, so

CHELSEY: [00:42:02] Yes!

TREY: [00:42:03] So, a Lawyer. was a waiter. So like,

CHELSEY: [00:42:05] For many years. Yes. No, totally. I'm not. I'm always going to be on the side of the server,

TREY: [00:42:12] Amen!

CHELSEY: [00:42:13] So that's, that's just going to be my bias right there. And I'm sure that when I say that it's a revolving door and people leave. I think it's just because they're beat up. It's it's a hard job. I mean, I had a friend that worked at Bubba Gump in Times Square, "run Forest, run" "stop Forest. Stop."


TREY: [00:42:30] It's just an outrageous volume of patrons.

CHELSEY: [00:42:33] Yeah, just people all day tourists, like people that don't tip, like just the worst. That's why they do the 18% tip included. I...

TREY: [00:42:41] I had a question about that because I do, they do that on a four top.

CHELSEY: [00:42:45] I think that they do, they do in Times Square in general, because there's a lot of tourists that come through there.

I mean, just a lot of people don't tip and it's really hard to work there. Things are more expensive in Times Square. I'm sorry, but they just are, you know, you're going to go to an Olive Garden in Times Square. I don't think you should be shocked that they include an 18% tip.

TREY: [00:43:10] And I think that Crystal was fair about that at the beginning. Like the kids wanted to go. So they went, do you think that Crystal is being truthful here? Do you think that they're like a dis-? I don't think she's, a disgruntled former employee.


CHELSEY: [00:43:22] I don't think she's I think she's being absolutely truthful. I think she takes her position as an elite Yelper reviewer. Very, very seriously.

TREY: [00:43:34] Just like we take our self-appointed Review Queen position. Very seriously. So does Crystal.

CHELSEY: [00:43:40] Yeah, I believe that Crystal's being authentic in her, representation of her experience. She gives me a little bit of Karen Dar.

TREY: [00:43:51] Yes. Yes. The having posted 400 plus images on Yelp is a little Kareny, but

you know, that's

our business too. So.

I was saying it's completely humorless. There was like, there wasn't any fun I mean, I was entertained about like Alfredo Boat.

CHELSEY: [00:44:07] Yes.


TREY: [00:44:08] now I'm, I'm recognizing how you felt about the Valley of the Dolls.

Like it is sort of nice to at least have a little bit of levity.

CHELSEY: [00:44:14] Yeah. Do we feel like we have enough information to take this to the rating?

TREY: [00:44:21] I do, yeah. Let's crown it.

VOICEOVER: [00:44:24] The Queens are Tabulating!

TREY: [00:44:26] You ready to show.

CHELSEY: [00:44:27] I think I'm ready. Yes.

TREY: [00:44:29] Okay Okay me too.

VOICEOVER: [00:44:34] Total Score!

TREY: [00:44:35] Tie!

CHELSEY: [00:44:36] Unanimous decision! Okay, We both did three crowns. I did three crowns because I took a couple of crowns away, one for the Karen Dar, two for the entertainment value. I gave the three crowns because I thought that they were being truthful to their experience. And I think it's probably typical of what you can expect if you are going to go to this, Olive Garden location.

So for that reason, I decided to give Crystal three crowns. How about you?

TREY: [00:45:06] yeah, I said three because it just feels very run of the mill, like very middle of the road. Very like, Yes. I feel like. You know, this is what you're going get when you go to the Olive Garden in Times Square. And I believed her, I believe this experience happened. There's a couple of grammar things, whatever, not really humorous or, but you know, it's sort of like, I would expect this.

so the impact there wasn't much of a deal. There's no deal breaker. I mean, this is exactly like what I would expect. So for those reasons I just gave it, three middle of the road.

CHELSEY: [00:45:37] Yes. Completely agree.

TREY: [00:45:40] Excellent.

CHELSEY: [00:45:41] Wow. I feel like we learned a lot of things today.

TREY: [00:45:45] Me too. What did you learn, Chels-Chels?

CHELSEY: [00:45:47] I learned that people have strong opinions about things and they're not always entertaining and funny, and I need to take away my own personal bias sometimes. Like I think that the Leverne Cox thing really threw me, I need to really try to work to be an impartial Review Queen.

TREY: [00:46:09] oh, that's like, so like self-deprecating I feel like you're a great, Review Queen.

but. I really, I also, similarly I learned about my own personal biases here. Like I it's trying to like navigate both sides of the coin. You know, I also learned that if I'm going to Rite-Aid and there's a 50% off toy, maybe like, see if you can, if there's no tape, see if you can pop it open and like, verify that it's like, what is printed on the box?

and I same conversation of the two sides of the coin, you know, when there's something really horrifyingly. Over like drilling in your head of a jingle, the negativity of that. It's also the positivity, because here we are and we can sing Rice-A-Roni.

CHELSEY: [00:46:51] Right. As we reach the end of today's episode. Have you got any personal reviews for your week? Where are you inducting for...

VOICEOVER: [00:47:01] My Royal Highness

TREY: [00:47:03] That's a great question. I had a lot of time when I was traveling to really notice what it takes to be working in the service industry, especially at the airport. Know, some places aren't open and some places are. And, um, the specific airport I flew into for my sister had a shortage of TSA agents and it was like a whole problem.

So I am going to induct these TSA agents who are working through this pandemic where like, sort of hopefully reaching the end. More people are getting vaccinated and, but they're still like there. so to me, I think five stars. Five crowns are more than deserved for these TSA agents.

CHELSEY: [00:47:49] That's so crazy because I also was just on a plane. And so I was going to give My Royal Highness of this week. I swear. I wrote it down, to the flight attendant on my flight coming back from Newark because there was a guy sitting next to me. I was bumped up to first class, which I was very excited about.

and there was a guy sitting next to me and he just had the worst stink face on. And he was really annoyed that there were crumbs on his seat and he was throwing like, I legitimate hissy fit And this woman, this amazing flight attendant just swept in and completely just calmed him down and gave him the extra miles that he was clearly after and gave him a wipe and just took care of it in such a way.

And she pacified the experience, which made my experience better. So I was just really grateful because in that moment, I just thought, wow, like you said, like these people are working through the pandemic, they have their own problems. They're, you know, they're showing up for us and they have to put up with all these people every day.

And she's still had a smile on her face. And I wish I could remember her name because I'd reference her directly, but she was lovely. And. She was wearing heels.

TREY: [00:49:16] Uh You better work, lady flight attendant in heels.

CHELSEY: [00:49:20] I mean, my God

TREY: [00:49:21] Before we go, do we have time for one Royal review?

CHELSEY: [00:49:24] I feel like we can make time for that. Yeah,

TREY: [00:49:26] Okay, good. So every so often we'd like to feature one of our very own reviews from listeners. Like you.

CHELSEY: [00:49:32] That's right. But a review for one of our listeners isn't any ordinary review. It's a Royal review.

VOICEOVER: [00:49:41] Baby, it's time for some Royal Reviews!

TREY: [00:49:46] Hmm. Okay. So this, uh, Royal review is from the user Chris Wendelken on apple podcasts, five stars. The, caps, Only Review Queens. I love Chelsey and Trey. This podcast is essential listening and brightens my week. Awwww.

CHELSEY: [00:50:04] ah,

TREY: [00:50:05] Thanks Chris Wendelken. Uh, full disclosure. I know Chris Wendelken, he is a fellow podcaster and really took a lot of time and effort in educating me so that we could be producing this content. And, um, that's so nice that Chris threw us five stars. What a gem.

CHELSEY: [00:50:24] Thank you. Chris Wendelken. I owe you a five star review in return and it will be coming.

TREY: [00:50:30] Yeah, so everyone can do that. Uh, go check out Chris Wendelken's podcast, it's called SwishFM give it a listen, if you like basketball, and if you don't just do it anyway,

CHELSEY: [00:50:40] Okay. And if you want to be featured as one of our Royal Reviews, then make sure you leave us a review right now.

TREY: [00:50:48] and if you hate the pod, you can hate review us with five stars. That'll really get our goat, honeys.

CHELSEY: [00:50:54] We've made it super easy with a super cute link.

TREY: [00:51:02] That's

And it's really easy because we've actually added a one-click link down in the show description, easy peasy, beautiful, Review Queens

CHELSEY: [00:51:14] Yeah, I can't wait to experience how easy it is.

TREY: [00:51:16] all right. We did a Queen that's another round in the books.

CHELSEY: [00:51:19] Thank you so much for joining us today. If you like what you heard, please tell a friend.

TREY: [00:51:25] if you didn't like what you heard, tell an enemy. If you want to lodge your own complaint, submit your own review or share with the world who you would induct for My Royal Highness, leave us a voicemail at 850-REVIEW-0.

CHELSEY: [00:51:38] You can also follow us on all the socials @TheReviewQueens and I'm @ChelseyBD.

TREY: [00:51:45] and I'm @TreyGerrald. That's two R's. Become a member of the Royal Court by joining our Patreon at Oh, you can also, this is really cool. You can watch live clips from our recording sessions on YouTube, and we also have some fun behind the scenes stuff.

CHELSEY: [00:52:01] Yeah. And remember, ignore the haters. You're a queen.

TREY: [00:52:05] gender non-specific queen.

CHELSEY: [00:52:07] Bye!

Review That Review is an independent podcast. Certain names have been redacted or changed to protect the guilty. Executive produced by Trey Gerrald and Chelsey Donn with editing and sound designed by me, with voiceover talents by Eva Kaminsky. Our cover art was designed by LogoVora and our theme song was written by Joe Kinosian and sung by Natalie Weiss.



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