Review That Review with Chelsey Donn & Trey Gerrald
Episode 30: "NEW YEARS BASH! Planet Fitness / Nikki Beach"
*Please Pardon any spelling errors!
THEME SONG: [00:00:00] Everybody's got an opinion.
Every Californian and Virginian.
It's so hard to tell who to trust and who to ignore.
Someone's gotta settle the score.
Trey and Chelsey will help you choose!
Whose views win, which ones lose.
Online haters are comin' for you!
Baby, it's time to Review That Review!
RTR 30 New Years
[00:00:00] VOICEOVER: [Theme Song]
[00:00:30] Chelsey Donn: Hi.
[00:00:32] Trey Gerrald: Hello!
[00:00:33] Chelsey Donn: Oh God, you look so good.
[00:00:35] Trey Gerrald: Happy New Year!
[00:00:37] Chelsey Donn: Happy New Year Review That Review Queens.
[00:00:40] Trey Gerrald: Hey everyone. Welcome to Review That Review. We are the podcast dedicated to reviewing
[00:00:46] Chelsey Donn: Reviews! We're just like Siskel and Ebert only instead of reviewing cinematic masterpieces, we write and review those hilarious scathing and sometimes suspicious online reviews.
[00:00:57] Trey Gerrald: [laughing]
[00:00:57] Chelsey Donn: Trey...you alright?
[00:00:59] Trey Gerrald: I'm trying to put these stupid glasses on these, um, happy New Year. They're like paper. I bought these New Years glasses thinking they were real, but they're paper.
[00:01:10] Chelsey Donn: They are indeed paper. But you look amazing.
[00:01:13] Trey Gerrald: I'm wearing New Year's glasses for the Patreon anyway, that voice Chelsey Donn!
[00:01:18] Chelsey Donn: And that voice is Trey Gerrald
[00:01:20] Trey Gerrald: and together our voices form
[00:01:22] VOICEOVER: the review Queens.
[00:01:26] Chelsey Donn: And you are an RQtie if I might say so myself, Trey look so dapper you guys. First of all, he's sporting a very dapper mustache The hair's perfect. The glasses, even though they're paper are very chic.
[00:01:43] Trey Gerrald: And they have a crown on them,
[00:01:44] Chelsey Donn: They have...oh my God. Yes. I didn't even notice the crown. They say happy New Year. Trey has a bow tie on and a nice tux moment and a tensil boa?
[00:01:55] Trey Gerrald: This is actually a Hanukkah boa, but it's silver. So
[00:02:00] Chelsey Donn: It very much works. Yes. Love.
[00:02:04] Trey Gerrald: Anyway, how is your week goin, Chelsey?
[00:02:07] Chelsey Donn: My weekend's going great. I'll just start by saying that. So Trey was like, we should trust up. Cause it's New Year, you know, our New Year's episode. And I was like, oh yeah, I have this like perfect dress. It's black. And it has these gold dots on it, but I haven't worn it since pre COVID. So it was a little worried that it was going to be tight and it's like loose. So.
[00:02:27] Trey Gerrald: Mazeltov!
[00:02:28] Chelsey Donn: Yeah. I mean, I feel great. So that's very exciting. My week has been good. I started going, I think I may maybe mentioned that I started going to acupuncture again, which has been life changing, obsessed. He told me that I needed to sleep on my left side. That's very, very important. Apparently, are you a side sleeper?
[00:02:49] Trey Gerrald: I am a side sleeper. Yeah.
[00:02:50] Chelsey Donn: Do you know if you sleep on your left or your right?
[00:02:53] Trey Gerrald: I switch. I go back and forth.
[00:02:55] Chelsey Donn: Apparently it's unhealthy to sleep on the right side. It's healthy to sleep on the left side and I've been switching and I really, I don't think it's psychosomatic. I feel better. I wake up more awake. I, my acid reflux, I have acid reflux. Much better. So I don't know. I'm just going to keep doing it, even though it does disrupt my sleep a little bit. Cause I'm not used to it. You know, New Year, new side sleeper, left sider. For me!
[00:03:19] Trey Gerrald: It's probably something with like the heart and whatever, you know, I did buy this specific pillow that is like indented in the center, but it's for side. Yes. Yes. But it's like the most comfortable I've ever laid on my back and I can't get comfortable laying on my back, but yeah, I'm definitely a side sleeper.
[00:03:38] Chelsey Donn: Yeah. How's your week been otherwise?
[00:03:40] Trey Gerrald: Good. I've been a little hesitant to share this, but I have recently been investigating what it means to become a runner. And so I downloaded an app called couch to three K or couch to 4k. And I'm just, you know, I'm just in week two or I'm at the beginning of week three, it's three runs a week and it's been going great. And I've already lost four pounds.
[00:04:06] Chelsey Donn: Oh my God. Look at us just apparently losing weight or body mass or something.
[00:04:10] Trey Gerrald: But I can feel. Like my knees, you know, it's like gives me the excuse to take a bath every night, which I love doing, but I can, you know, I can just feel like, my joints and all of that, but I got fitted for like professional running shoes and doing it really real. And of course it's like snowing. So like I picked the worst season to become a runner running, but I'm so into it. I love it. And, um, I'm wondering if maybe. Talking about weight. Yeah, that's a good segue into-
[00:04:40] Lodge A Complaint!
[00:04:40] VOICEOVER: Lodge. A Complaint.
[00:04:42] Chelsey Donn: Trey, I just feel like it's a New Year. We got to bring in that positive energy. So I'm thinking for this episode, let's not Lodge A Complaint though. We know we both have tons to lodge, but for today in honor of New Year's to do you have a resolution?
[00:04:56] Chelsey Donn: Let's do it. Let's do resolutions instead!
[00:05:00] VOICEOVER: Come on a make a change! You can change! You can change! Change it!
[00:05:07] Trey Gerrald: Yay. Well, if anyone knows where that sound cue was from, uh, you're hilarious. So my resolution, I, you know, I think that I would like to take on. My resolve for 2022 is to cook more because it really has been something that David and I have been wanting to tackle. We've been a little more proactive as the months have been moving towards the end of the year. You know, we're being more diligent about grocery shopping and it's just something I don't have much interest in nor does he. And so we do tend to like skirt around it often, but I'm really going to take on. Making things in the kitchen, trying out recipes, exploring what that means and that, you know, of course it's connected to weight, but ultimately health.
[00:05:56] Trey Gerrald: I remember being younger at Thanksgiving dinners and it's like, what are you thankful for? Be thankful for your health. And it's like, yeah. But then as you get older, you know, I really have a more profound understanding of what it is for gratitude for health. And I think that also just cooking is more. It's just taking care, taking care of financially, taking care of the family, being together, you know, I think there's a lot to that. I know you love cooking. So I am declaring for 2022. I am going to. Cook more.
[00:06:27] Chelsey Donn: That's such a great resolution. And I know that's a big deal for you. Trey because we've had many conversations about this. So I'm like, are you sure you don't want to maybe cooking, and this is a big step. So
[00:06:38] Trey Gerrald: yeah, I grew up eating fast food for every. That was like what my situation was growing up. That's what I yearned for. So I'm changing the habit. Maybe I'll get an air fryer.
[00:06:51] Chelsey Donn: I can recommend one.
[00:06:52] Trey Gerrald: Oh, good. Okay. Chelsey, what is your resolution?
[00:06:55] Chelsey Donn: Thank you for asking, Trey. So I've really been trying to get. More micro with my resolutions. Cause I feel like in the past I've always done the typical resolutions where I'm like, I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to do these things that feel very overwhelming. And last year, my New Year's resolution, which I think I mentioned was to accept compliments, which I thought was great because you know, anytime something like that would come up, I would, I would think about it and it was very helpful.
[00:07:22] Chelsey Donn: So this year I thought, what can I, what can I add to my life? That doesn't feel too taxing, but that could help me. Yeah. And I was thinking, I want to commit to meditate. But just once a week to start, you know, just once a week can be a short guided meditation and also like sound healing, like any of that stuff that I like to do that counts, but just to try to do it with consistency.
[00:07:51] Chelsey Donn: So that's my New Year's resolution is to meditate once a week. It feels not too daunting, which is what I look for in a New Year's resolution.
[00:08:00] Trey Gerrald: I think that's smart. It's setting yourself up for success. You know, the whole thing about a habit as however many hours, and you got to start small, you know, that's what this running app has been for me is like small achievable actions.
[00:08:12] Chelsey Donn: Yeah.
[00:08:12] Trey Gerrald: I'm not trying to run a marathon.
[00:08:14] Chelsey Donn: Yeah.
[00:08:14] Trey Gerrald: I'm trying to like encourage running.
[00:08:16] Chelsey Donn: I really like the name of the app. It just makes you feel good. Like, oh yes. I was on the couch. Yeah, totally. Now I'm going to ease my way. We're all about easing our way into 2022. Let's be honest. We've been through a lot the past couple of years!
[00:08:31] Trey Gerrald: But I love this. We can, maybe we can periodically check in, see if we need to support one another and our resolutions love.
[00:08:39] Chelsey Donn: I would love to be your accountability buddy!
[00:08:41] Trey Gerrald: Listeners too.
[00:08:42] Chelsey Donn: Yeah.
[00:08:43] Trey Gerrald: All right. Awesome.
[00:08:44] Chelsey Donn: And also call and leave a voicemail. Let us know your New Year's resolution. And maybe we can remind you on the show or something to help keep you from.
[00:08:51] Trey Gerrald: Actually let's do that. Please call and our voicemail box and leave us a voicemail, telling us what your resolution is. Maybe it's something we can like focus on for the month of January. Maybe even throughout the year. You know, there's nothing more powerful than wanting to be better.
[00:09:06] Chelsey Donn: True. So 1-850- REVIEW-zero. Call us up. I was going to say there might be one thing Trey that is more powerful than that.
[00:09:15] Trey Gerrald: Tell us what.
[00:09:17] Chelsey Donn: I think it's online reviews and the people who live them, ya know?
[00:09:21] Trey Gerrald: Girl! You're a Professional, look at that. Wendy Williams. Wow. I think that we should jump in because as you all know, Chelsey and I are your trusty Review Queens. We each bring in a review from the internet that we feel needs to be inspected.
[00:09:38] Chelsey Donn: We read the review, we break it down and rate the impact of the review on a scale from one to five crowns. It's a very Regal process that we call
[00:09:47] VOICEOVER: Assess That Kvetch.
[00:09:48] Chelsey Donn: And this week, Trey and I are each sharing reviews from the internet that are centered around New Year's Eve. Cause you guys know, we love a special edition episodes. So this of course is our special edition and New Year's episode. And your first, today, RQ T
[00:10:05] Trey Gerrald: New Year, New Me!.
[00:10:07] Chelsey Donn: Yes, take it away. RQ
[00:10:11] Planet Fitness Review
[00:10:11] VOICEOVER: Review That Review.
[00:10:15] Trey Gerrald: Okay. So today I was really thinking when I think of the New Year, what are things I think of? And I. Do you think of times square, which we've thoroughly covered in the first year of the podcast? So I was like, I don't want to do times square, but I want like, what do I think of when I think of the like rocking New Year's Eve? And I think of like all the funny hats that everyone wears and people tend to be wearing funny. Planet Fitness hats, because Planet Fitness, while having a sponsorship with the television show, the biggest loser took an initiative to sponsor New Year's rocking Eve for many years in a row, which is why you would see 8 billion commercials for Planet Fitness and all those purple and yellow Planet Fitness apps. So today I have a three star review from Yelp written by Matthew Q. For Planet Fitness.
[00:11:20] Chelsey Donn: Let's hear it. Is that a Planet Fitness? The one that like, it's like a dollar a month or something like, it's not a dollar, but like it's something very, very cheap.
[00:11:27] Trey Gerrald: It is interesting. So Planet Fitness is like a nationwide gym that is traditionally anywhere between $10 a month or $20 a month. It was one of the first sort of very cheap costs. Gyms. Yeah.
[00:11:44] Chelsey Donn: Okay. I'm glad I know that.
[00:11:45] Trey Gerrald: All right. So here we go here as Matthew Q's, three star Yelp review for planet fitness.
[00:11:52] Chelsey Donn: Can't wait.
[00:11:54] Trey Gerrald: LOL, where to start. When I first came here and went to the changing room for the first time I see is a swing day. I thought this was a gay gym. So I want downstairs and demanded a refund. Cause damn this can't be an everyday thing, but they insisted this wasn't so we LOL at off. So a month in, I notice I get looked at. That's like the at symbol. Okay. A lot by these hungry looking females. So I'm thinking, damn, I guess the girls in here, like working their arms because I'm always on the upper body machines, but I was wrong. See, the name planet fitness is only 50% accurate, but it's not a planet for. It's a planet filled with some of the most thirstiest dehydrated Fox and a concentrated area. The sexual frustration was real. So I made the George Bush decision and almost getting with on of them until the, the cloths was off. Perverted story short, I came to the conclusion that 70% of the girls in there got toxic pussys
[00:13:25] Chelsey Donn: Sorry.
[00:13:26] Trey Gerrald: They probably wash there Cuchies in the east river.
[00:13:32] Chelsey Donn: Stop it.
[00:13:33] Trey Gerrald: If I had stuck my Dick in there, it would have spontaneously combusted. Also, if you want machines go there at midnight, way better.
[00:13:49] Chelsey Donn: Oh, my friggin God. Okay. Matthew is giving that other guy. What was his name?
[00:13:54] Trey Gerrald: The Pillsbury guy?
[00:13:56] Chelsey Donn: Yeah, the OkCupid guy, a real run for his money.
[00:14:00] Trey Gerrald: Isn't this crazy?!
[00:14:01] Chelsey Donn: Okay. This is so crazy for so many reasons. Number one. I don't understand some of the words in this Review! am I just like, I mean, I just looked up thot, cause I was like, I feel like I've heard that one. So that's a woman who has many casual sexual encounters or relationships. What is with like the attack on women and also like the. Dick thing in the, in the dressing room, what what was he referencing?
[00:14:26] Trey Gerrald: So it does appear just off the bat. Matthew did not do a spellcheck,
[00:14:30] Chelsey Donn: obviously.
[00:14:31] Trey Gerrald: Right? So thot... it's funny to me that you didn't know thot, but there's no judgment. Thot..
[00:14:37] Chelsey Donn: Thank you. I've heard it before.
[00:14:39] Trey Gerrald: Planet fitness is a no judgment zone.
[00:14:41] Chelsey Donn: Right?
[00:14:42] Trey Gerrald: That's their slogan. Thot is an acronym and it stands for that ho over there, which can be any gender, any gender men, are lots of times hoes. Non-binary people can be hose as well.
[00:14:57] Chelsey Donn: Well, that's, I mean, that's really my biggest complaint with this Review! was like, why are we narrowing in on the women? Why are we attacking the women here? Like all of a sudden the women, are thots. I know some thirsty guys at gyms too.
[00:15:11] Trey Gerrald: Well, it sounds like, it sounds like Matthew was thirsty.
[00:15:14] Chelsey Donn: I mean, he carried through with at least one of these women that he is, you know,
[00:15:21] Trey Gerrald: well I don't know, because it says, I came to the conclusion that 70% of the girls in there. So is Matthew, a mathematician, like how did they get the average of 70% also, they sort of are very homophobic in the beginning saying that -
[00:15:40] Chelsey Donn: that's what I was asking. What, like, what were they saying they saw?
[00:15:44] Trey Gerrald: It says the first thing I see is a swing deck, I think they left out the ING
[00:15:47] Chelsey Donn: Oh like a swinging dick?
[00:15:49] Trey Gerrald: That's what I think.
[00:15:49] Chelsey Donn: Like somebody has their d, their dick out in the, in the locker,
[00:15:53] Trey Gerrald: in the locker room, which they call a changing room. And then they immediately went downstairs because they thought this was a gay them. They can't go to a gay gym.
[00:16:00] Chelsey Donn: I feel grossed out.
[00:16:02] Trey Gerrald: Okay. And then there's just a lot of misspell every time there. The word I is here, unless it's at the beginning of a sentence, it's lowercase.
[00:16:10] Chelsey Donn: Spelling was terrible.
[00:16:12] Trey Gerrald: They use the at symbol twice.
[00:16:15] Chelsey Donn: Doesn't bother me as much. Like it is colloquial, but we all know what it means at least.
[00:16:23] Trey Gerrald: Yeah. That's an interesting point. Yeah, I don't, yeah. Yeah.
[00:16:26] Chelsey Donn: It's not scholarly. Review! Queenie, but it's not like a demerit,
[00:16:31] Trey Gerrald: You know, also it says, like I made the George Bush decision and almost getting with. I on, but I think they mean one getting with one of them and still,
[00:16:44] Chelsey Donn: Wait, Almost getting with One?
[00:16:46] Trey Gerrald: and almost getting with one of them until the, the cloths, but it should be clothes and it's only one the was off.
[00:16:55] Chelsey Donn: Okay,
[00:16:55] Trey Gerrald: so.
[00:16:55] Chelsey Donn: Oh, so, okay, so, so what we're claiming Matthew, which again, doesn't, I don't think this holds up in a court of law, but what Matthew is claiming is that he went on a date with one of them or whatever was there, took one of them home. They took their clothes off and then he was like, get outta here. You thot!
[00:17:13] Trey Gerrald: I guess? I'm also recognizing here that twice Matthew Q speaks in percentage. Saying that planet fitness is only 50% accurate, accurate. And then the conclusion that 70% of the girls got toxic pussies spelled P U S S Y S. Is that how you would spell pussies? Wouldn't it be? I E S?
[00:17:37] Chelsey Donn: Oh plural of pus...
[00:17:38] Trey Gerrald: But how do you spell Turkeys? Because isn't YS, turkeys?
[00:17:43] Chelsey Donn: God, I don't know. I don't usually say turkeys.
[00:17:46] Trey Gerrald: Cause kitties, you would say kitties is IES
[00:17:48] Chelsey Donn: Would be IES.
[00:17:49] Trey Gerrald: Puppies, IES. So would pussies?
[00:17:51] Chelsey Donn: It's probably...[laughing]...IES I don't know. This conversation is making me very uncomfortable.
[00:17:56] Trey Gerrald: It's very interesting to me that you can say Dick so many times and pussy, yelp didn't flag that. I mean, I guess those are not, they're vulgar, but they're not cuss words, but like, like to just come across this review on Yelp is insane.
[00:18:10] Chelsey Donn: Yeah. I mean, you obviously heard my multiple gasps. I even interrupted a little bit, which I apologize for, but I just, I couldn't hold back. And here's where I'm struggling with, with Matthew Q here, even, even to give them anything. Do we find any value in Matthew's Review! is there anything in here that you're like, okay, good to know.
[00:18:33] Trey Gerrald: Well, they say that if you want machines go there at midnight, it's way better. It's the last statement.
[00:18:40] Chelsey Donn: I mean, okay.
[00:18:41] Trey Gerrald: The only point is that it's crowded. So go at a late time. Also I'm thinking maybe like the locker rooms, aren't very private because you can see.
[00:18:51] Chelsey Donn: I just think this is so gross. I hate when, I mean, I didn't want any, well, you, if this was re reverse gender and there was a woman that was talking about like a guy's Dick smelling, like the east river or some shit like that, I would be, I'm not going to say equally offended because I'm a woman. So obviously this hits closer to home, but. Peeved for sure. And think it's inappropriate and crazy and Ooh, I'm so grossed out. I'm going to try to like go through some of the notes that I made. I mean, LOLed it off?
[00:19:24] Trey Gerrald: Yeah. I laughed out loud it off. So does that mean, does that mean that the people at the front desk were homophobic as well? Because they were laughing out loud with them?.
[00:19:34] Chelsey Donn: Why are we we're mixing, we're mixing phrases here. Let's just say laughed at all. Why is it laughed out loud at all?
[00:19:40] Trey Gerrald: Oh, good catch.
[00:19:42] Chelsey Donn: Why? W you know, we, even if it was like, we LOLed, that's I guess. Okay. I don't know. There's something about the LOLed it off that I'm like, all right.
[00:19:52] Trey Gerrald: This Review! was written seven years ago and it has not been taken down.
[00:19:57] Chelsey Donn: Oh, really? Interesting. That is crazy. You think like someone would have read it and reported it.
[00:20:03] Trey Gerrald: There's tons of replies really on other reviews. Yeah. So they, you know, they saw it.
[00:20:10] Chelsey Donn: Why wouldn't they report this? There it's very easy to report this Review!. I mean, I almost want to go on and report it myself because there is a sexual conduct or sexual something. There, there is a category for inappropriate language.
[00:20:25] Trey Gerrald: And why is this three-stars?!
[00:20:28] Chelsey Donn: That was exactly the point I was just about to make, what, why is this three stars like, like in order for you to give it a three star? Which, at first, before I found out the truth about Matthew Q not leaning into the queue for any reason, but before I found out about Matthew Q. I thought, all right, I'm interested. I like a three star review. We've talked about this before. It's sort of middle of the road. When I read a three star review, I expect to have some positives thrown into the Review! little negative sprinkled in there, but you know, a little enough to make it feel like I needed to take off a couple stars. Something bad happened at this place that I really liked, you know, even if it. The swinging Dick, which I think again, homophobic, but like, still eww gross, disgusting, but would make sense categorized as a three-star review. If you're a so offended by 50%. Of planet fitness and you don't even want to look at any of the women that are apparently just going Gaga over you, which no offense, Matthew, I kind of doubt. Why are you giving this three stars? It sounds like you hate 50% of it.
[00:21:45] Trey Gerrald: Well, I was thinking maybe it's three stars, because this is the only place where Matthew gets attention from women that he deems are not good enough to him. Also, I didn't think the idea of seeing a swinging Dick was homophobic. I thought the idea of, I thought this was a gay gym. So I went downstairs and demanded a refund because damn this can't be an everyday thing. That was the homophobic.
[00:22:05] Chelsey Donn: Yes. I agree. But that whole section, like where I was like, I thought it was a dildo. I didn't know what. They were talking, he was talking about, but I did think that he was alluding to something that felt immediately homophobia.
[00:22:21] Trey Gerrald: It's interesting. I'm trying to take myself back to seven years ago. Like we're we culturally in a place where it's like cool to say that. Cause I would have believed that unless you're an extremist religious person, most straight men know. Um, a lot of women are friends with gay people. So you can't like hate gay people. Like your women are not going to think that's cool. Like thankfully gay people have that going for them.
[00:22:46] Chelsey Donn: I don't think Matthew has any level of self-awareness
[00:22:51] Trey Gerrald: clearly! Who leaves this review?!
[00:22:54] Chelsey Donn: This review Is completely lacking. Self-awareness I don't even think it's a time thing. I don't want to give any excuses, obviously. I can never really expect that people are going to see the world the way you and I see the world. I don't think seven years, 10 years, 20 years, 30 years is an excuse for this kind of bigotry. And not only for this kind of bigotry, but this. Public declaration of your bigotry as if this is okay. It's not okay, Matthew, I'm not pleased. I hope that in the seven years, since you've written the survey view, there has been some growth and I will leave the option open that you can change. But the Mathew that opted to write this, Review! not only is extremely inappropriate, extremely hurtful. And just gross an irksome. You are clogging up the planet fitness yelp!
[00:23:57] Trey Gerrald: In that context, it really is so weird. Like I wonder if Matthew Q would be ashamed of this today. It is like, it's such a portrait of, of a person's viewpoint in life that is so unflattering. Even if you don't like gay people, if it, if you have an issue with that. But I think we all can understand. You can't speak about women like this, especially if you were wanting to have sex with them, like what woman is going to read this and then be into that.
[00:24:29] Chelsey Donn: I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed!
[00:24:33] Trey Gerrald: Okay. We've said this spelling grammar is awful. We don't really find much value. Maybe the last sentence.
[00:24:38] Chelsey Donn: No
[00:24:39] Trey Gerrald: truthful / shady?
[00:24:40] Chelsey Donn: Not funny.
[00:24:41] Trey Gerrald: It's hilariously not funny.
[00:24:43] Chelsey Donn: No.
[00:24:44] Trey Gerrald: So what do we think? I mean, we don't even think that Matthew's being truthful here because they're saying. They've reached this conclusion after almost getting with someone and then they speak in these percentages.
[00:24:55] Chelsey Donn: Right.
[00:24:56] Trey Gerrald: but like, how did you reach that mathematical conclusion?
[00:24:59] Chelsey Donn: Correct. Don't trust him. No.
[00:25:01] Trey Gerrald: So Like I think I could crown this.
[00:25:04] Chelsey Donn: I I'm going to struggle to crown it because I, you know, but I will crown Matthew.
[00:25:09] Trey Gerrald: I do want to tell before we do one person has found this useful in the seven years, three people have marked it as funny. And one person has marked it as cool.
[00:25:22] Chelsey Donn: The only, sorry I'm flustered. The only thing that is a little reassuring about that is that it has been there for so long. And I guess only that amount of the populus. You know, is in some agreement with Matthew, which, makes me hope that the majority of people who read this are like WTF,
[00:25:42] Trey Gerrald: literally. All right. Let's crown Matthew. So Chelsey and I each have our own set of one to five crown cards and in an effort to be fair and not influenced by one another, we will simultaneously reveal our ratings!.
[00:25:58] VOICEOVER: The Queens are Tabulating.
[00:26:00] Trey Gerrald: Okay. Are you ready?
[00:26:01] Chelsey Donn: I'm ready.
[00:26:05] VOICEOVER: Total Score!
[00:26:07] Trey Gerrald: I really thought you might do zero. I thought we were going to have a Show-First!.
[00:26:10] Chelsey Donn: Exactly. I mean, I really want to, we're both holding up a half round. I really wanted to do zero. I don't have a zero crowns card. I, after reading Matthew's Review! I think maybe I need to make one. Quite frankly, I Trey is putting back on his New Year glasses. I think there's no value here. The only reason why I was even able to muster half of a crown for Matthew was because of what you brought up. I guess eye roll, with the coming after midnight to be able to utilize the machines. I guess you can say there's a tip there. I really, really, really wanted to give Matthew zero crowns. And if I was his grandmother, I would give him a spanking for. I mean, not in a good way, not in like a sexual way.
[00:26:55] Trey Gerrald: No, a bad one.
[00:26:57] Chelsey Donn: A bad spanking. Anyway, Trey, why did you give Matthew half of a crown?
[00:27:03] Trey Gerrald: I did half of a crown because of that final sentence. I do think that as a gay person, there is an inherent sexual energy at a gym. And so if I was a straight man, I was reading mass then like maybe there would be some value to me to think that like, oh, maybe I can like hook up with people. I don't find Matthew Q to be trustworthy either. So I just said half a crown, because if I was similar to Matthew and morals and ethics, then maybe this would be valuable to me at that point. But it has nothing to do with planet fitness. That's nothing, there's no value. Like it's just, the spelling is atrocious. So for that reason, I did half a crown.
[00:27:49] Chelsey Donn: It needs to go if we had like a Review! Queens equivalent to like Razzie is for worst Review! ever, I think this would be a nominee for me.
[00:27:59] Trey Gerrald: I think he would be a nominee. But I do think ultimately I wouldn't want to honor Matthew any more than I have by putting him on the show.
[00:28:06] Chelsey Donn: That's true. All right. Well, let's take a quick break. Cause clearly I need a breather and when we come back, we can get into my Review!
[00:28:16] Chelsey Donn: BRB.
[00:28:18] VOICEOVER: Hold Your crown we'll be right back.
[00:28:36] SuperChewer Offer
[00:28:36] Trey Gerrald: Chelsey and I are so excited to share this exclusive Review Queen offer from super chewer.com. Now from the makers of BarkBox super chewer as a monthly subscription-based service for those dogs that need tougher and more. Toys every month, you and your pop will receive a box right to your front door. That is loaded with two tough toys, two meaty chews, and two full-sized bags of treats that are customizable for allergy and diet preferences. Super chewer is offering listeners of Review!. One extra month free when you use our link. Super chewer.com/queen. Sign up right now at superchewer.com/queen.
[00:29:45] Trey Gerrald: All right. It's game time. Chelsey let's take quick little spin on the Meryl-Go-Round.
[00:29:52] VOICEOVER: 'I don't feel like an icon. Most of the days, I feel like 'I can't!' That's with an,. A'..
[00:30:01] Chelsey Donn: All right. Here's the deal. Trey and I have each picked a rotten scathing, pithy One-Star-Zinger. And with 30 seconds on the clock, we'll take turns, reciting the zinger in as many genres as possible.
[00:30:13] Trey Gerrald: Just like queen Meryl Streep, who does it all!
[00:30:15] Chelsey Donn: Before the clock runs out.
[00:30:17] Trey Gerrald: All right, Chelsey, my dear. What is your zinger for this New Years bash?
[00:30:21] Chelsey Donn: I'm so glad that you asked. I don't actually was just thinking about it. I should've looked this up before the show. I'm not sure if Meryl's in this movie, because I think that Meryl is in a few of these type movies, but this is a review for the movie, New Year's Eve from 2011.
[00:30:38] Trey Gerrald: With like 900 actors in it.
[00:30:40] Chelsey Donn: Yeah. You know how they always make all those movies? That just seems like, I dunno. CAA was like trying to get everybody their health insurance or something like that. Yeah. I think that this is one of those. This is a one-star Google review from Noelle F for the movie, New Year's Eve: puke on a stick. You owe me so much beer.
[00:31:00] Chelsey Donn: Puke on a stick.
[00:31:06] Chelsey Donn: I don't know. I just thought that was so funny.
[00:31:08] Trey Gerrald: Have you ever seen New Year's Eve?
[00:31:10] Chelsey Donn: No, have you?
[00:31:11] Trey Gerrald: No.
[00:31:12] Chelsey Donn: Okay.
[00:31:13] Trey Gerrald: All right. Are you ready?
[00:31:14] Chelsey Donn: Oh, I'm going to confirm nor deny.
[00:31:18] Trey Gerrald: Okay. I'm going to strap you into, I got to say at the New Year's Eve ball,
[00:31:25] Chelsey Donn: that's what I was going to strap you into, but I'll find something else.
[00:31:27] Trey Gerrald: No, we can both be on it.
[00:31:28] Chelsey Donn: Okay.
[00:31:29] Trey Gerrald: We'll see who gets there first to the bottom.
[00:31:32] Chelsey Donn: Okay. Sounds good. I'm ready.
[00:31:34] VOICEOVER: 3, 2, 1, Go!
[00:31:36] VOICEOVER: Televangelists. You always tell us man, breaking news.
[00:31:42] VOICEOVER: You kinda sick. You owe me so much beer,
[00:31:45] VOICEOVER: teen drama.
[00:31:47] VOICEOVER: You want me so much
[00:31:48] VOICEOVER: beer melodrama? You
[00:31:55] VOICEOVER: don't film. You stick
[00:31:58] VOICEOVER: so much beer.
[00:31:59] VOICEOVER: 3, 2, 1.
[00:32:09] Trey Gerrald: Very good queen. You got six.
[00:32:15] Chelsey Donn: Yay! Okay Trey. Where's your finzingerger from this week?
[00:32:18] Trey Gerrald: Okay. This week, my One-Star-Zinger is from party city.
[00:32:23] Chelsey Donn: Oh, yeah. A favorite of yours.
[00:32:25] Trey Gerrald: That is a new favorite, especially for zingers. This is a New Year's Eve tinsil party hat. Okay. It is $6. And you know, unfortunately they don't tell you who the reviewer is. This One-Star-Zinger subject is, do not waste money on this. And the Review! is very ugly sewed. It did not look like the picture at all.
[00:32:50] Chelsey Donn: Okay.
[00:32:51] Trey Gerrald: What, isn't the correct grammar sewn?.
[00:32:53] Chelsey Donn: Yes. Yes it is.
[00:32:56] Trey Gerrald: Okay. Yeah. And it's interesting because the tensile hat itself is like see-through, but on the inside they have a bunch of these silver Tensley things answered it. And then the rim is so it's like, it's like clear plastic that's filled with tensile. So maybe that's why it's sewn. So ugly regardless who cares? Am I on the ball too?
[00:33:16] Chelsey Donn: Yeah, I also was going to have you on the ball, but I was thinking I could, put you on like a champagne bottle. Yeah. With the cork, you're like popping. You're gonna like, you're gonna fly around. Oh, look at that. And he has a champagne ready. You're going to fly around the Meryl-Go-Round with the force of a pop cork. Okay. So no pressure, but get ready to fly. All right.
[00:33:42] Trey Gerrald: I'm going to really channel that. So here we go.
[00:33:44] Chelsey Donn: Here we go.
[00:33:45] VOICEOVER: 3, 2, 1. GO!
[00:33:48] VOICEOVER: Musical theater, very
[00:33:49] VOICEOVER: ugly sowed. It did not look like the picture at all.
[00:33:54] VOICEOVER: Film new are
[00:33:55] VOICEOVER: them really ugly. So I did not look like the picture at all.
[00:34:00] VOICEOVER: Soap opera
[00:34:04] VOICEOVER: at all. Lifetime
[00:34:13] VOICEOVER: horror.
[00:34:14] VOICEOVER: 3, 2, 1. That's all!
[00:34:20] Chelsey Donn: Trey. You're so funny. You're so good at this game. You got five. My friend. That was great.
[00:34:26] Trey Gerrald: So close, but no cigar cause you're the winner.
[00:34:32] Chelsey Donn: I guess the Ball wins this time.
[00:34:35] Trey Gerrald: Yup. And the champion cork ends up in the trash, but you know what? We've got a full year for me to get back on top
[00:34:44] Nikki Beach Review
[00:34:44] VOICEOVER: Review That Review.
[00:34:48] Trey Gerrald: Ah, all right. We are back for that rousing game break and it is now your turn Chelsey Donn, where is your New Year's Eve bash Review! from this week?
[00:34:57] Chelsey Donn: Okay. So this review is written about the, I guess you call it like a club, like a very popular club called Nikki Beach, Have you ever heard of Nikki Beach?.
[00:35:06] Trey Gerrald: No!
[00:35:07] Chelsey Donn: It's like a club slash restaurant. I feel like it had a really good reputation maybe. Are we calling it the early aughts? Is that what we say about early two thousands? But like, I want to say like early two thousands, it was a very popular place to go. They have a few locations. One of them being Miami, which I want to say was maybe the first.
[00:35:27] Chelsey Donn: So this is a One, dot Review! from TripAdvisor writtenby Kathleen T about Nikki Beach.
[00:35:36] Trey Gerrald: Okay.
[00:35:37] Chelsey Donn: My fiance and I visited Miami Beach for New Year's weekend. We dined in some of the finest restaurants over a four night vacation. By far the worst service and poorly prepared food was at this place, which according to the reviews and glossy advertisements was supposed to be good.
[00:36:00] Chelsey Donn: The staff was exhausted from New Year's Eve the night before apparently having tossed one hell of a party the night before. I get that. Glad it was a smash, but they chose to be open on the first and the patrons will expect a halfway decent. If they were not up to it both physically or mentally, they should've closed for the holiday.
[00:36:26] Chelsey Donn: We waited to be seated. Yes. We had reservations for several weeks, actually for 20 minutes with no one even looking at us. Yes, we were groomed and dressed very appropriately. Finally at our seat, we watched two servers about to lose their minds over the mistakes the kitchen was putting out, before another 20 minutes passed before we were acknowledged and our drink orders taken.
[00:36:54] Chelsey Donn: The drinks took a bit, but were weak, the food, which by then we decided to just get a couple of appetizers and get out were gas station, mediocre. When the $51 bill showed up, we were just happy to have this very disappointing experience over with. I wasn't even going to write a bad review because this company has over 12 stylish locations around the world. And I'm sure they will not care less over one bad review, but I assure them and all who read this, we will never suggest anyone go here.
[00:37:39] Chelsey Donn: Wow. Kathleen,
[00:37:41] Chelsey Donn: Kathleen T had a bad experience out of the interest of true transparency. I think there were two times where the word lose was written and both times it was written as loose.
[00:37:55] Trey Gerrald: Oh, so an extra Oh.
[00:37:57] Chelsey Donn: Extra oh.
[00:37:58] Trey Gerrald: Okay. So I have a couple of thoughts here because. Okay. Timeframe. Is Kathleen saying they waited 20 minutes to be seated and then they waited another 20 minutes to finally place the order for drinks from the waitor?
[00:38:15] Chelsey Donn: Yes! Did you find that suspicious?
[00:38:18] Trey Gerrald: No, I'm just thinking, like, I think that waiting 20 minutes for your reservation is obnoxious, but like maybe possible. I mean, waiting always makes people upset, but waiting 20 minutes. So order alcohol, I think is crazy.
[00:38:34] Chelsey Donn: I agreed, especially after having just waited 20 minutes. Cause now you figure we're 40 minutes past the reservation and we haven't even put in a drink order yet.
[00:38:44] Trey Gerrald: I also love that Kathleen multiple times twice for sure. Says. Yes, we did reservations. Yes, we were. Well-groomed it's like, don't try to question me, Review Queens.
[00:38:59] Chelsey Donn: I actually really, really liked that because as I was reading it, there was a moment where I was like, well, did you have a reservation? And then it was like, yeah, we did like, you know, I didn't think about the dress thing, but
[00:39:09] Trey Gerrald: it was funny to me. Like, it's assuming that you're going to be negated. Which is like an interesting point of view of the world.
[00:39:18] Chelsey Donn: I think that it it's a little bit is a little bit to do with like the pretentiousness of Nikki Beach, especially. I mean, this review was written in 16, so that was, you know, five years ago. So I think it was still pretty popular at that point. And I think it's like the person that wants to go to Nikki Beach, might be a little bit more judgemental. Like, well, maybe you weren't the right clientele. Maybe you didn't make a reservation. You know? So I think that Kathleen T is writing this Review! to that individual
[00:39:50] Trey Gerrald: That comes across too in the way Kathleen says, like this establishment has 12 other locations. And like, obviously, like they probably won't care about my one grievance. So it's also funny to me. That Kathleen mentions like the glossy advertisements.
[00:40:05] Chelsey Donn: Yeah.
[00:40:07] Trey Gerrald: What does that mean? Like it it's glossy and like how fun it looks or like glossy and like magazines or like high quality postcards around town.
[00:40:15] Chelsey Donn: I don't know. I sort of wondered about that too. Like, are we using glossy and this sentence literally like a glossy, like you said, like flier or it's glossy being used as a adjective for. Glowing, almost like glowing reviews. I wasn't sure. Or glowing advertisements. You know what I mean?
[00:40:36] Trey Gerrald: Oh, interesting. There's no way to deduce.
[00:40:38] Trey Gerrald: For me. I
[00:40:39] Chelsey Donn: guess if I was going to define glossy, I would think somewhere between glowing and ostentatiou.
[00:40:44] Trey Gerrald: It just makes me think of. Lip gloss. And then I also love that. They're like, okay, we need to cut our losses. This has just been so horrible. So horrible. Let's just get appetizers,
[00:40:54] Chelsey Donn: Let's just get appetizers and get outta here.
[00:40:56] Trey Gerrald: But then I did think is Nikki Beach also like a club that serves dinner?.
[00:41:03] Chelsey Donn: Yeah. I mean, it's like a, it's like a club restaurant,
[00:41:06] Trey Gerrald: Right. Because I would think that the fastest appetizers are going to be similar to a gas station. Cause it's probably going to be popcorn chicken or calamari or like onion rings, basket. Like it's all that stuff that like is quick,
[00:41:19] Chelsey Donn: right? Yeah. What did you think about that as like a dig?
[00:41:23] Trey Gerrald: I think that it's a smart tactic for Kathleen to take. If, if Kathleen anticipate it's not being taken seriously by the organization to allude that there like fancy restaurant serves gas stations.
[00:41:38] Chelsey Donn: Yeah. It's definitely a dig!
[00:41:39] Trey Gerrald: But that's even more disappointing, but then I'm also thinking, wait, this is Miami beach. You have got, at least I'm assuming it's two people, maybe more, they've gotten at least one round of drinks and they ordered like maybe two appetizers, like one appetizers and the Bill's 51 bucks. I'm like, that's pretty cheap!
[00:41:56] Chelsey Donn: I know. I was just not to say the same thing. Like at my bougie for thinking like, wait, you definitely, at least got one round of drinks and you said appetizers, plural. So it had to have been more than one and you'll only be at $51. That. Yeah, that seems, that seems very low, especially considering I've never been to Nikki Beach, but usually these type of restaurants, if nothing else, the drinks are gotta be like, what almost 20,
[00:42:25] Trey Gerrald: I would think $18 for like a signature cocktail.
[00:42:28] Chelsey Donn: Yeah. So with tax and everything, like, you know?
[00:42:31] Trey Gerrald: SO, okay. So much of this experience, Kathleen, at least places the blame on the fact that it's New Year's day. And they've made the assumption that everyone's just tired, right? I'm questioning the value here because maybe this is very valuable for that one day out of every calendar year. Like don't go after New Year's or like, that just expect everyone to be hung over because it's a hip place. They're going to have a huge party the night before. Servers and such, we'll probably be young and hot.
[00:43:03] Chelsey Donn: And even if they weren't working on New Year's Eve, but they're working New Year's day, then they probably went out and partied on New Year's Eve. So either way, we're not doing the creme de LA creme of service. I agree.
[00:43:14] Trey Gerrald: That's the worst time to work.
[00:43:15] Chelsey Donn: Yeah. I do think it's a choice to be open on New Year's day. I can understand the impetus to make a reservation at Nikki Beach on New Year's day. Just because if it's open, maybe you're thinking let's keep the party going. You know? So I don't, I don't fall Kathleen T for making this reservation. I think they obviously let us know that they were disappointed in the experience, but I agree with you. There's nothing about the Review! necessarily. And Ty Nikki Beach, except for the gas station deg, which obviously would be a, you know, a year round issue.
[00:43:54] Trey Gerrald: But even this year, 2021 and 2022 New Year's Eve is Friday. And New Year's day is Saturday. Of course, this place is going to be open. What does that dig about? Like if you made the choice to be open, you made that choice. Like it's a Saturday night. Like, of course it's I don't know.
[00:44:12] Chelsey Donn: I mean, I guess the only response I'd have to that is isn't is it like Christmas day? I mean, I like every year I feel like I have amnesia and I forget how things work, but aren't a lot of establishment close on New Year's day, but restaurant. I don't know, maybe cause like on Christmas day, a lot of restaurants are closed.
[00:44:32] Trey Gerrald: I'm not sure, but I do imagine because we do take national holiday for New Year's Eve. You're going to have, and if you're in Miami, you're in tourist town!
[00:44:43] Chelsey Donn: You're not closing on New Year's day.
[00:44:44] Trey Gerrald: You think you would be catering to hung over people on New Year's day, especially if you're a restaurant. I don't know. Do you think that Kathleen is being truthful?
[00:44:53] Chelsey Donn: I do.
[00:44:54] Trey Gerrald: I do too. I think Kathleen has made a huge assumption that everyone's hung up.
[00:44:58] Chelsey Donn: But like, I think you can tell when someone's hung over. So if we're making that assessment, I think it's probably at least half warranted.
[00:45:05] Trey Gerrald: Right? Well, I was going to say, I would like Kathleen to have explicitly stated it was very clear that the hostess was completely hung over the server. Wasn't completely hung over, like, you know, whatever. That's just my thought, but I mean then, then the commonality, I don't know, maybe, maybe, but.
[00:45:26] Chelsey Donn: Yeah, it is hard. It does feel very specific to this time of year, which has value to me because we've like we've discussed before I am the type of Review! reader that will go and type in the specific thing that I'm looking for. So if I was going to go to Nikki Beach in Miami for New Year's, I would go to TripAdvisor and in the search, put New Year's and see what do people say about their experience? Cause, Patreon. I got S I got a story for you guys later about, uh, Miami new years. I actually, two Miami new years experiences that I had that were equally insane. So I would want to know if I was going to do Miami a third time. Is this the place to do it because I've been burned before? So I think I would take it into consideration at very least.
[00:46:14] Trey Gerrald: Yeah. I mean, I think I can talk about the impact of my crowning. Do you think there's anything else?
[00:46:21] Chelsey Donn: Spelling and grammar mostly good. Except for those two changes that I made: loose, lose. I'm confused. How many pairs of New Year's glasses do you have, Trey?
[00:46:32] Trey Gerrald: I was telling Patreon, this was like a photo booth package that I thought would be real 3d glasses, but they're paper thin, but there's six pairs, so, oh, there's actually seven. So we've got two more to go through, You and I, Chels.
[00:46:45] Chelsey Donn: That's hilarious. Cause you guys, I didn't even notice until like, this is the fourth pair that you're wearing and I thought they wer all the same.
[00:46:51] Trey Gerrald: Yeah I've worn three other ones. Okay. So let's uh, let's crown it.
[00:46:57] VOICEOVER: The Queens are Tabulating.
[00:46:59] Trey Gerrald: You ready?
[00:47:00] Chelsey Donn: Yes!
[00:47:05] VOICEOVER: Total Score!
[00:47:06] Trey Gerrald: Oh dear. I said one and a half.
[00:47:09] Chelsey Donn: I'll interesting trays holding up one and a half. I'm holding up three crowns. Trey, tell us why are you holding up one and a half crowns?
[00:47:16] Trey Gerrald: I just said one and a half crowns because it's so specific to this one day of the year. And I, I am feeling conflicted because we're going off of the fact that the whole establishment was hazy from being hung over because of Kathleen's interpretation of how long it took to be seated, how long it took to fix that bronc thing. So then they came over with the drinks and then took a long time and then they like decided to cut their loss, like. I don't have enough evidence that that's true. That's what Kathleen has presented. So therefore going along with that, it's not funny, you know, maybe two little misspellings here and there, whatever. I think maybe Kathleen is truthful. Like I think whatever. I also thought that like, there's not that much value here to me other than it's not that expensive or it wasn't in 2016, like comparatively, but like you're in Miami. So I said one and a half because ultimately the people that work there might be like hot young people that like party. So like, if that's maybe valuable to me, but other than that, I don't think there's much value here. So that's why I said one and a half. Why did you say three?
[00:48:26] Chelsey Donn: I said three, because I did find value here. I, like I said, I'm the type of reviewer that's going to search the word. Beyond that. Like things that I like knowing and reviews before I go to restaurants, especially like, let's say I'm going somewhere with my mom. Like, is this the type of place where I'm going to have to wait? Even though I have a reservation, I don't know if that's only the case because it's near as day. I kind of feel like it's not. Cause I think a place like Nikki Beach. Like we said kind of a tourist shop, so it's going to be crowded most of the time. So I thought that was good information to know like, alright, prepare myself. I might be waiting 20 minutes to get in. I might be, you know, waiting a while to be served. I better make sure I don't show up like hangry. And like I needed a drink yesterday if I'm going to go to Nikki Beach. So I did find. Valuable and spelling was mostly good. I believe that Kathleen T's experience was authentic to what they really experienced. So for that reason, I awarded Kathleen T three, three crowns. I did it.
[00:49:34] Trey Gerrald: Love it. Good job. Very fun. Now I want to go to Miami. I can't wait to hear your story and the after-show podcasts, but in the meantime,
[00:49:43] My Royal Highness
[00:49:43] Trey Gerrald: Chelsey, we have officially reached the most Regal portion of our show. I am so curious. I would love for you to tell me, who are you inducting this week for
[00:49:54] VOICEOVER: My Royal Highness
[00:49:56] Chelsey Donn: I had this planned and I'm going to still do it, even though one of our reviewers today made me really upset. I'm going to make for My Royal Highness, this New Year's people who write online reviews. Right? We got to give it up for the people that write online reviews. We wouldn't have a show if people -
[00:50:15] Trey Gerrald: This is so META!
[00:50:16] Chelsey Donn: Right. But if people were not brave enough to at least step forward and give us their opinions, we would have no opinions to share. You're doing it for free. Obviously we've, we've had a few Review! Queens on the show. We've given many people high ratings in terms of their reviews, which means that constantly we're consuming these reviews, that impact where we're going to go, where we're going to spend our money, all of this information. And I just think. It's overdue. Try. We have to induct the online Review! writers as our Royal Highness. Don't you think
[00:50:53] Trey Gerrald: it's so smart and such a great induction. There is power in sharing truth. Yes. And there's fun. And, and reading shared shadiness. I mean, it's all the things about the show that we love.